I'm Coming Home
by McGreyer
Summary: It has been a constant search for Izzie for someplace where she could finally feel safe and sound, cared about and loved. But she is always screwing things up with everyone. Anywhere she went, the people she met, Gone. Tells the journey of Izzie Stevens finding her Home. Takes place after season 9-10 premier.
1. Chapter 1 Coming Home

Intro

I'm coming home  
Tell the World I'm coming home  
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday  
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes  
I'm coming home, I'm coming home  
Tell the World that I'm coming..._Home._

* * *

A lonely, neatly arranged, not yet closed suitcase laying on a bare white sheeted bed. The remote moonlight that broke through the small window barely glimmered the cornered, dark room. It was early in the morning, even the sun hadn't made its unflappable debut to the world. A symphony of silence rose in the air, perforated by the clock ticking every second, overlapping with unavoidable sense of distress and fear of the upcoming.

She ran her slender, silky fingers over the carefully draped clothes on the right side and the five shoes on the left one. She had always been a clean-freak. No matter how tired she was or how busy her day had been, she would always find time for cleaning.

_'There is not much baggage_,' she thought, _'It's a good thing though. Not heavy._' Consoling herself as she bent down to lock the suitcase. She glanced around the room one last time, as though she was taking pictures in her mind. She sighed as she glanced down at her watch and realized it was about time to go.

Before permanently taking off, she paused briefly, staring at the hospital outside front. The walls were all transparent glass and she could see few people were passing by, but couldn't tell who was who from distance. They looked like wandering ghosts, obscured by the reflection of the stranded lights that were hanged and directed to the huge board with the hospital name on it. _'Loretto Hospital,__Chicago_' it read. The automatic doors only opened twice. She stood there for a while that felt like a lifetime as she pondered the past two years of her life like it flashed in front of her eyes with every feeling that could possibly come with it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

She was taken back to present by the cool wind that blew around her graceful, secluded frame. She shuddered. Cold air filled her wounded heart, blowing her carefully waved blond hair all around and to her face. She brushed strands of hair out of her face before she pulled the ends of her red winter coat together as though it was the only thing she could hold on to. She finally dropped her gaze as she exhaled; willing herself to turn around and get going and never look back. Her shadow blocked out light. Darkness prevailed, so she closed her eyes as she turned her back to the shiny, glassy walls and vaguely figures.

_'Just keep walking, Izzie,' _she thought. Wind blew one more time as she took a step further making it harder for her weak, slim body to keep balance. Laden with fear and stigma, she floundered. Dragging her suitcase along the long, weary road. '_Just_ _keep moving. Just keep going._' A song erupted as the stars slowly faded away. The old, new beginning of the dawn chorus.

* * *

Basically, If you heard a mixture of bleeping machines, the rattle of papers on a clipboard, rolling wheels of a gurney, phones ringing, the bing of an elevator reaching a floor, crying or sobbing, wheezing, coughing, sneezing, rattly breath, or your sight landed on a blooded spot here or there, you can safely assume you are in a hospital. Hospitals are the safest yet most unsafe places. They are pathological, diverse, crowded. You can practically feel the worry and sadness coming off some people. They feel like mysterious places for the patients, but they actually feel more like_ home_ for the doctors and the people who work there.

It was a typical day at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. No major trauma in the ER, everything was running smoothly. Alex Karev, the fellow Peds surgeon, on the other hand, was working on a whole different level as the hospital had not had an OBGYN attending for a while, so it didn't admit any Peds related cases that were in labour. But Dr. Hurt asked him and Dr. Arizona Robins to go treat some emergent preemie or infant cases after labor in nearest towns' hospitals until the hospital hired one. But Dr. Robbins bossed him around and handed him most of the remote cases, causing him to have a hard time shifting between hospitals and wasting most of his day in transportation. And the reason for this chaos was because the latest OBGYN resigned, and instead of hiring someone else as usual, Chief Hunt noticed there hadn't been an excellent, fully qualified OBGYN attending since Dr. Addison Montgomery. Ever since she left, attendings kept coming and going and no one was really worth keeping. So he announced a job vacancy for an OBGYN attending at the hospital, and accepted applications until he found the best and hired them.

**…...**

Walking through the hospital's pathway, the city Izzie came back to did not seem so very unlike the one she had left five years ago. Except that it seemed more level and wintry. In summer time, the pathway sides blossomed with new flowers of varied sorts. Now, everything was sere and sodden and a general air of shiftlessness prevailed. Izzie's trip had been alright, but she won't be able to rest it off the rest of the day. Instead, she had to have meetings and interviews, maybe even start work immediately.

The closer Izzie got to the hospital building, the more she felt her heart pound and her legs tremble. Izzie looked up, her eyes scanning the building front. Izzie paused and stood there for a minute, thinking. She never thought she would come back to Seattle. Let alone working in the hospital again. Ever since Alex asked her to leave when she came back to fix things and work out her marriage, Izzie determined she would not come back ever again, no matter what. Izzie was deeply hurt and devastated with everything that she crumpled up the thought of coming back to Seattle, shoved it inside a glassy bottle, secured it tightly and threw it to drift away with the raging waves of the Pacific Ocean. That being said, Izzie hadn't kept in contact with any of her friends or the people she knew there either.

As Izzie got closer to the door and before passing it through, she couldn't help but notice the huge board that held the hospital name. _'Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital'_ Izzie bunched her eyebrows together and tilted her head slightly, a confused look marked on her face as she began to think.

'_Grey are Meredith and Lexie, and Sloan is Mark. Memorial...'_ Izzie abruptly slumped and froze in her track with her slightly shaking hand covering her mouth. Her eyes widened and her face looked fearful. "Oh my god,'" Izzie whispered to herself as 'The Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic' popped up in her head. Izzie remembered that she built it after he died. _'Oh my god, Meredith. No.'_

Izzie felt _sick_ at the possible thought of her friends death. Even though she had left them five years ago, not on a very happy note, admittedly. Izzie would still feel incredibly sad if she knew one of them had died. They occupied such a big part of her life and that was undeniable. Izzie took in a deep breath then let it out as she closed her eyes trying to calm herself and wiped the horrible thoughts away, but only tentatively. Izzie couldn't wait to get inside and disclaim all her dreaded assumptions.

**…...**

It was lunch break, food was flying on plastic trays, or being chewed inside mouths all around the cafeteria. But instead of having lunch, Alex was feeding his needs in a different way. He was in one of the on-call rooms, laying on the bed with Jo as they cuddled in a warm way, both feeling as satisfied and pleased as ever.

"What ever happened to the 'no sleeping in on-call rooms' rule?" Jo asked with a smirk and Alex chuckled.

"yeah, we gotta break the rules sometimes, right?" Alex smiled mischievously as he answered her with a question.

"Right," Jo answered grinning.

Just when Alex was about to kiss her, his pager went off causing both of them to groan in protest to the joy killing device. After Alex took a look at his pager, he informed Jo that they should not be so pissed about it after all because it was the chief paging him to finally meet the longed new attending he hired. They both were happy and relieved that the new attending had finally arrived. It had been keeping Alex busy, spending time commuting and sometimes working late hours. And if he got to go home, they would crash into bed right away. They barely got to spend time together, let alone having fun. Alex hurriedly put his clothes on, picked Jo on the lips and left the room excitedly to meet the new fellow surgeon who will save him crossing roads and busy highways to get to his patients.

**…...**

A small room full of white lab coats covering three-quarters of a costume in multiple shades of blue. They were all faced towards Hunt, absently listening to him lecturing something about how far the hospital had come and its need to always evolve and aspire to be the best. Alex was a little late as Cristina had pointed out when he arrived standing next to her and Meredith.

Hunt voice sounded like a humming TV along with other voices like coughing and clothes rustling to Alex whose thoughts were occupied by the sexual ecstasy he and Jo had just experienced. It had been a long time since they had slept together because it was either him or Jo busy lately. He stood there waiting for this super hero to come and get him his life back to normal again. Not too deep into his erotic thoughts, Alex snapped back by the rising tone in Hunt's voice as he asked the new attending to step in.

An open door waited, heels clacked, a shadow came in first, a tall slim figure followed. Her bright blonde hair graced past her shoulders, in long waves. With light natural makeup on. White button up shirt and navy blue high wasted skirt. A humming sound went off; fiddling at her beauty. An impressive silence followed. She still looked like a model. The same, yet at the same time more mature and presentable, not old but respectful.

Yes, Izzie was standing in front of everyone, yet she was secretly wavering inside. Izzie felt her stomach tumbling and her hands slightly quiver and she balled them; trying so hard to control the fear and instability that were coursing through her body. Izzie didn't look directly to her shocked friends way, she couldn't handle it. Izzie felt too strained and muddled at the sight of her archaic people witnessing her defiant comeback. Thankfully, it wasn't too long until she followed another doctor to lead her to the conference room with the orders form chief Hunt to receive her orientation package.

The second Izzie walked into the room, Alex felt like a bombshell had hit him down hard. His jaw slacked and his eyes widened. He was staring in disbelief as his brain started to malfunction. Alex was undoubtedly shocked to the core. The one person standing in front of him was the last person he ever expected for the hospital to hire. Not after all those years, not after everything that had happened. It was his past standing in front of him. Nothing in the world would have prepared him for this. The universe was throwing another curve ball at him.

Alex could feel the blood pumping through his veins as he tried to process it all. But no matter how much he tried, the anger and discontent in him grew. Izzie Stevens was back. She was here. The person he had spent years of his life trying to forget and get over was standing centimeters from him. It was a concept Alex couldn't fathom.

Five years had passed. Five years had done a number on them both. Alex had moved on a long time ago. After her last troublesome departure, Alex remembered only too well how difficult and almost impossible it was for him to get his life back together. He had finally managed to get out of that wretched whole and made his way to the top. He had become this successful surgeon and he'd found love again. He was happy and content with his life. The last thing he wanted was for Izzie Stevens to show up and miss his life up again. Because deep down, Alex knew very well that Izzie was not like any terminated relationship which he would have to tolerate and learn to live with. To him, Izzie was way more than that.

Trying hard to dissociate from his wallowing thoughts that were wildly swirling in his head, Alex instantaneously made his way to Dr. Hunt before he left the room.

"_What_ the hell is Izzie Stevens doing here?" Alex grunted with a rather forcibly penned voice so he wouldn't make a scene. The last thing Alex wanted was for people to notice his exasperated flounder over his ex-wife return.

"Working! She's the new OBGYN attending you've been asking for for months." Despite all the hot flames blazing off of Alex's eyes, Owen's answer was rather calm.

"I asked for a new OBGYN attending not…" Alex snarled before he abruptly paused to dart his eyes around the room and lower his voice some more.

"Not my _ex-wife,_" Alex continued through gritted teeth.

"Stevens was the best we could hire. She is thoroughly qualified, exactly what the hospital was looking for. Her relationship history wasn't considered when she was accepted here," Owen dismissively informed him, not quite fulfilling his tangling questions.

"But doctor Hun…" Alex began to protest before Owen interrupted him.

"Karev, I don't care about who she is to you, you can learn to be civil and work with her professionally and keep your past issues aside. Now, if you'll excuse me," Owen apathetically excused, leaving Alex stumbling on his own unanswered inquires that seemed to hardly make any sense to him.

'_Why now?_' Alex wondered _'Why the hells is she back now?' T_he questions kept lingering in his small head, pleading for definitive answers.

**…...**

At another ward, Meredith was debating with Cristina whether they should go and welcome Izzie back.

"We don't have to go. It's not like we're happy she's back or anything," Cristina complained wearily. Cristina was reluctant, not only because it was going to be absurdly awkward meeting her for the first time after all these years, but particularly because none of them had kept in touch with her since her last presence in the hospital.

"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed. "She was one of our friends, remember?" Meredith reminded and she saw a sudden smile appear on Cristina's face at hearing her words.

"Exactly! _Was_," Cristina pointed out, using Meredith's own word to back up her point and Meredith raised her brows at her.

"So what? She didn't do anything to us. The conflict was between her Alex and that's up to them how they decide to deal with it. She's back now so we act normally like any friends would do and go at least say hi. She must be feeling terrified now, it was obvious from the look on her face in that room," Meredith explained, sounding sympathetic at the last sentence.

"You're gonna regret this when she flees again," Cristina scoffed and Meredith shot her a stern look before she grabbed her wrist and dragged her down with her to go look for Izzie.

...

Izzie was left alone waiting for Hunt in a big, empty conference room. The door was open and she was given her orientation package which was the only thing she could look busy reading on and mostly to take her mind off the horrible situation she was just put into. Izzie couldn't help but feel a sting of sadness thinking that none of her friends came over to greet her. She did feel relieved to see Meredith which meant she wasn't dead as she thought earlier, but frustration slowly crept to her mind making her question her decision of coming back to Seattle as she wondered,_ 'Do they hate me now?'_ Izzie couldn't help think otherwise.

Standing by herself at the tip of a big conference table near the door while flipping on the pages of a booklet, Izzie looked up as soon as she heard a subtle knock on the door to see Meredith and Cristina standing and a smile quickly developed on her face. Tumbling, they both approached Izzie.

"Hey Izzie!" Meredith started with a smile and reached out to Izzie as they hugged.

"Hey Meredith!" Izzie said, the smile that graced her face was so big, she resembled a toothy lack-o-lantern. Cristina stiffened as she awkwardly hugged her after. Izzie couldn't believe they actually came down to welcome her back. She was genuinely understanding if none of them wanted to see her, and now she was so delighted she almost stumbled form happiness.

"It's been a long time. How are you?" Meredith asked smiling so they wouldn't stand there awkwardly.

"I'm great! Thank you. How about you two?" Izzie asked back grinning.

"We're good. Thank you," Meredith answered before she unseeingly nudged Cristina when she noticed she had not said anything since they came in.

"Uh, Good to see you back," Cristina said with a noticeably forced smile on her face and Izzie nodded smilingly at her. There was a moment of awkward silence before Meredith spoke, slicing the eerie silence.

"Umm, we gotta go now. We'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Sure!" Izzie nodded the smile never left her face. Meredith and Cristina faced Hunt on their way to the door as they walked out and the three of them breath out in relief.

"So, shall we start?" Hunt asked kindly. But before he could slump into his chair, Izzie stopped him as she asked hesitantly, "Uhh, Can I ask a question?"

"Sure," Hunt replied with a curious look on his face.

"Why did you change the name of the hospital?" Izzie asked, her eyebrows bunched together.

"Oh, that was a tribute for Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey after they died in the plane crash," Hunt answered, she could hear the sadness in his voice.

"There was a plane crash?!" Izzie blurted out, her eyes and mouth wide open and Hunt winced at her burst.

"Uh, yes. You didn't know about that?" Owen asked her and Izzie shook her head.

"I'm sorry," Izzie said with a low voice as she placed her hand over her mouth. Her face looked emotional.

Hunt nodded. "Yeah, that was the second worst thing that happened after the shooting."

"There was a shooting?!" Izzie yelled with a surprised face again.

"You didn't know about that either?!" Owen asked, knitting his brows this time. Izzie shook her head, still pulling a very surprised face. That was when Owen sighed out and transferred his glare to the chairs indicating that they should sit down because it was going to be a long story explaining to her the disastrous events the hospital had gone through during her absence.

**…...**

Startled Alex was trying to distract himself with work while making so sure he hadn't accidentally run into Izzie. He didn't want to meet her, he didn't know what he would say. He wasn't even sure what he felt about her presence and the fact that she had to work here with him now. Although, he did feel a sting of anger and defense jabbing in his chest every time he thought about it.

**…...**

It was about the end of the day and Alex had made it safely without awkwardly having to face his angst past. Alex stood short from the hospital doors anxiously waiting for Jo so they could go home together. When Jo arrived, he took her hand and quickly kissed her on the lips. Just as they turned around to walk out, they heard a voice calling Alex's name. A voice Alex recognized very well in his sleep. A voice Alex has always known in the back of his mind. Alex and Jo stopped reluctantly and turned around to find Izzie standing in front of them with a smile on her face.

"Hey Alex," Izzie called with a bubbly voice and innocent intentions, holding her hand out towards Alex. But Alex merely glowered at her. His eyes darkened, his eyebrows slightly lowered and his free fist clenched. He looked feuded almost disgusted to see her.

Izzie winched before her eyes slightly widened. Her soul was stricken, her words were choking and her hand was slightly shaking. The smile on her face slowly faded as she looked at Alex's flaming pupils and her hand unpromptedly landed to her side.

Izzie felt her body weaken as they stared fixedly at each other. Unblinkingly. Alex looked the same, but at the same time, so different. Something in his face frightened her. Tension was raising in the air like mounting steam. The atmosphere felt so taut and uncomfortable.

Alex was tormenting her with his blazing gaze. She wished he would say something. Anything. Because his silence and his glare were stabbing her in the stomach. Chasm. Short enough to disinfect opened wounds, but long enough to fix them. They remained silently standing there for a moment causing Izzie's eyes to shine with choking tears which she gathered all the strength in her body trying not to shed any during this bitter encounter.

All of this was not surprising to Jo; she had already known Izzie was his ex-wife, it had been a hot topic for gossip around the hospital all day. Jo didn't exactly know why Izzie had left and why particularly they got divorced, but she did know it was an unpleasant story which she tried to get Alex to spill several times, yet he refused because he hadn't been comfortable opening old, nasty wounds again and Jo totally understood and didn't try to push him.

The painful silence was cut off by Alex's voice while pulling Jo's hand as he hissed, "Let's go." Leaving Izzie standing in the middle of the hospital, shocked, teary-eyed. Disappointed look decorating her face and wallowing her pain inside.

What was the definition of 'Home'?

How did a person distinguish a home from a place where they simply just "lived" in? Was it the people who occupied that place, or was it the actions of the people? Or both? How long did it take one to find a home where he can feel safe and sound?

Whatever you were, there was a place somewhere in this world that you should be able to call home. A place over your head, a shelter, a safe heaven. Izzie thought she had found a place to call home when she came back to the place she initially started from. It had been a constant search for Izzie for someplace where she could finally feel safe and sound, cared about and loved. But she was always screwing things up with everyone. Anywhere she went, the people she met, gone.

_'Where is my home now?_' Izzie thought as she walked through the doors of the hospital she practically lived in at some point in her life, spent her intern's and residency years, learned, died, survived. Where she fell in love and found the people she belonged to. The place where she once called _home_.

...

"A house is Not a Home", I _hate_ this song  
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are _gone_  
And people got the nerve to blame you for it  
And you know you would have took the bullet if you saw it  
But you felt it and still feel it  
And money can't make up for it or conceal it  
But you deal with it and you keep balling

* * *

**So this is my very first attempt at writing ********Fanfiction**. I hope it's good enough. **T****his is basically my version of Izzie coming back in the middle of a Jolex phase. I don't own anything btw, because if i did, i would have brought Katherine Heigl back on the show sooner than later. ****  
**

**Song lyric is from: 'I'm Coming Home' P Diddy - Dirty Money & Skylar Grey. I hope it's ok to post song lyrics because it always inspires me. **

**I would much much appreciate it if you enlightened me with your reviews. Even constructive criticism or anything really is very welcomed. I'd love to know what you think and learn and improve. So don't forget to leave your reviews please. **

**Thank you for reading :)**


	2. Chapter 2 Still Into You

You know how intimidating the first days could be when you first start something at a new place? Yeah, it wasn't much different for Izzie, even though the place was anything but new to her.

As Izzie was casually standing in the Gynecology ward by one of the nurses' stations reading through her patient's chart on an iPad. After she rose her head up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, she let her gaze search the place around her, like she was looking for something, but she wasn't. She had not seen any of Alex since her first day, and then there was nothing, making it safe for people to assume that he was not very happy with her return.

It had been only one week and Izzie had been engrossed with work. Since she started working at GSMH, it had been busy and sometimes got a little hectic and she mainly used it as a distraction. But the week still felt like a drag for Izzie. Being the unwanted ex-wife who decided to one day suddenly show up at the hospital for whatever reason that was, she could feel the fixed stares of people following her while walking down a corridor, or hear the howls and whispers around the cafeteria if she decided to have lunch there, making her feel uncomfortable and oddly out of place. She hated it. It reminded her of her intern year.

She had always been a solid topic for gossip around this hospital, her indiscreet history giving people enough subjects to discuss about her; that was fairly the reason why she moved to another hospital across the country. Because gossip was like smoke, people would blow it and move on and in shortly it would disappear, but it would leave a nasty and harmful smell in your airways, making it harder for you to breathe.

Though everybody was genuinely nice to Izzie, It was exhausting to have to put up with it again. She was sick and tired of being looked at as weak and fragile. She wanted to prove to everyone that she was not the same, old person. Instead, she was a board certified, competent surgeon.

Nonetheless, Izzie was thankful for Meredith. She was probably the only person who had approved to her since the day she showed up. She treated her friendly as if nothing had happened, like she never abandoned her friends and left them behind. After her acknowledgment to the disasters the hospital had gone through and how badly it affected her friends, she couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt every time she remembered that she had not been there for them and yet Meredith overlooked everything and accepted her with an open heart.

Dissecting from her train of unfruitful thoughts, Izzie let out a helpless sigh before she returned her eyes back to the iPad that was grasped in her hands while she reminded herself that she had to forget about him anyway.

Heavy plod was growing towards Izzie, slowly and carefully. She could hear the steps tapping among such noisy surrounding before she unsurely felt someone's presence near her. Izzie momentarily contemplated whether she should look up and see who it was or wait until the person would call her. The decision became clear as the person hadn't said anything even though it had been a while since she felt his presence. Izzie sighed before she started slowly rising her head but with her eyes still glued to the touch-screen device and she finally tore her gaze off the iPad when she felt her head was almost in a vertical position.

Stunned, Izzie could feel her heart skip a beat as her hands clenched tighter around the tablet from the sight of who she found. The all too familiar hazel eyes and brown hair with a new, nice haircut she noticed. Alex was standing in front of Izzie, only a few steps away. Izzie felt her heart rate rising in strange anticipation.

Alex felt the air flee his lungs and his mouth went dry the second he met her gaze. He stood there silent for a moment, full aware that Izzie's eyes were placed on him. Alex could feel his body heating up as anxiety and nerves ruled his system.

Trying to calm his nerves, Alex inhaled slowly before he reluctantly breathed out, "H-Hey."

Alex waited for her to greet him back, but she didn't. She didn't say anything. Izzie just stood there with a silent stare, almost expressionless, making it difficult for him to read her. Izzie was not sure what Alex was up to this time. First time he humiliated her in the middle of the hospital, she feared he would pull another stunt on her again, so she was just being cautious.

Alex's body tensed at the uneasiness he suddenly felt. Despising the nerves, Alex swallowed before he reluctantly continued to say in a quiet voice,

"Uhh.. I'm sorry about the other day. It was only your first day back, you suddenly showed up and I was angry and uh...I didn't know what to.. Uhh…"

The words tumbled out of his mouth. Alex could feel himself starting to stutter making him feel more uncomfortable before Izzie cut him off, unable to restrain the smile that crept out with her words,

"Yeah, no. It's fine."

That soft voice he heard caused Alex to hold his breath for a moment before he let it out in relief and unburden. Izzie watched as his mouth reflexively twitched at her words before her gaze dropped to his hand that he hesitantly stretched towards her to shake. Surprised, Izzie looked up from his hand and back at him. She eyed him suspiciously and unlike the first time, his eyes didn't hold any anger or hate, now they looked warm and inviting.

Alex could feel his hand slightly starting to shake as he steeled himself for rejection. He was not sure why he felt so anxious meeting Izzie and it disturbed him. It was the kind of nervousness you got when you were close to someone you liked, or thought they were extremely attractive. Relieved, Alex felt his heartbeat slow down at the sight of a small smile slowly starting to break on Izzie's face.

Looking at her face, Alex surprisingly found himself fascinated by her radiant smile and her straight, white teeth which he hadn't seen in such a long time. His thoughts were dramatically occupied by her charming beauty, he couldn't notice Izzie extending her hand towards him to snap back by his hand quiver at the feel of her skin meeting his. The touch making his heart stop for a moment. Alex felt like a current of electricity ran across his body.

The moment their hands touched, Izzie knew like she had always known.

_This was home. _

Izzie felt a feeling she couldn't quite explain. His hand was warm and his touch was tender, yet she could feel the callousness of his hand on hers. She felt a blush forming and warmth run across her body. She didn't feel herself beaming at him.

The handshake was loose at first, keeping in mind that they both were exes meeting five years later and shaking hands. That was only for a few seconds before Alex tightened his grasp on her hand as he assimilated the feel of her skin on his. Alex looked at her eyes as if he was seeing something familiar. He wanted to squeeze on her hand but he was afraid he would hurt her. Luckily, he felt Izzie tighten her grasp on his hand as well, making his stomach slightly crunch.

They stood there for a moment. Hands clasped. Both eyes sparkling. Both looking at each other's eyes and feeling each other's touch before Izzie realized that the handshake had taken longer than it was supposed to. In fact, it had taken longer than usual causing her to abruptly pull her hand out of his grip and quickly look down at the iPad that was somehow still clutched in her hand. It took Alex's hand a second to retrieve as the realization came a little slower to him than it did to Izzie.

Flicking his gaze between Izzie and the few random nurses who were passing by, Alex cleared his throat and felt himself hesitant to offer,

"Uh, would you like to grab a coffee?"

Drawing her attention back to him as she moved her glance from the tablet back up to his face. Izzie could see the nervousness in Alex's eyes and she held back a smile as she remembered how she used to laugh and tease him about how he looked all manly and firm but when he looked nervous he looked funny.

Impatient for her response that was waiting to escape, Alex watched Izzie slightly squinting her eyes as she pumped her arm in the air and glanced at her watch before she looked up at him and said as casual as possible,

"I guess I have a minute."

As if he just won the lottery, Alex's eyes expressed the smile that would had been revealed by his moth. Alex watched as Izzie softly placed the iPad on its stand on the counter before she dipped her hands inside her lab coat pockets. With jubilant and less tension, they both turned around. The nurse who had been sitting behind the counter and observing their encounter watched as they held each other's gaze for a second before they smiled shyly at each other as they walked away.

As they walked on their way to the coffee cart, the conversations just flew. Starting with the weather, to talking about work, to Izzie going on and on about how adorable Derek and Meredith's kids were which to Alex's surprise, didn't bother him to listen to, instead he found himself keenly enjoying. It was as if no time had passed and they both felt familiarity and easiness. Unlike what they had expected if they possibly met after five years.

Standing by the coffee cart, and after Alex had handed Izzie her cup, her eyes slightly went wide after she took the first sip of her coffee as she realized it had the exact amount of sugar she would always add. Izzie was definitely impressed that Alex hadn't forgotten that little detail about her.

Sitting on a table in the middle of the outside cafeteria, the sun glared out of a clear, blue sky. It was such a nice day, yet they both felt a little uneasy as they could feel everyone's eyes on them. It was the first time ever they were seen together since Izzie had arrived.

"So, Pediatrics! Who would've thought?"

Trying to ease the atmosphere, and after she took a sip of her coffee, Izzie jokingly teased as she tilted her head a little and raised her eyebrows at Alex who chuckled at her remark.

"Gynecologist! Who would've thought?" Alex jokingly copied her words. A laugh escaped Izzie's lips before she started to explain.

"Actually, I thought about it a lot when I first became a resident. I get easily attached to my patients and that made them trust me faster, specially sick women and mothers who have to trust me on their lives and their babys' lives too. So yeah," Izzie shrugged as she sipped on her coffee and Alex nodded understandingly.

"But seriously though. I wouldn't have picked you for Peds," Izzie said seriously.

"Why?" Alex asked, his eyebrows knitted.

"Well, you were the ass in our group of interns, remember?" Izzie reminded him.

"No, I wasn't," Alex denied and Izzie thought the innocent face he made was cute.

"Yes, you were. No one basically liked you. You weren't a nice person, how do you even deal with kids!" Izzie argued, insisted on her point. She had missed teasing Alex because it used to make her laugh.

"I was nice to you," Alex said with his trademark, devilish half smirk and Izzie rolled her eyes.

"Oh, yeah. That was because you wanted to get in my pants."

Izzie didn't realize what she had said until a second later making her instantly look away while Alex looked down as he started sipping on his coffee. He could feel the heat creeping from his neck to his face

Embarrassed at her squirm, Izzie felt a blush forming and warmth run across her body feeling like she had been overtaken by her demeanor. There was a moment of awkward silence between them before Izzie glanced Meredith and Cristina walking toward them from the corner of her eye making her breathe out in relief.

"Hey, look at you two getting along very well," Cristina teased as she approached their table. Alex gave her a side glance with annoyance about her teasing and Izzie's cheeks looked rosy.

"Not having a busy day?"

Meredith asked Izzie smilingly, the answer was obvious but she didn't want to give Cristina a chance to say something, it was already awkward enough. Izzie was glad that the topic was switching to something she could manage.

"Not really," Izzie answered before her pager went off and she looked down to check it out, making her hair fall over her face. Alex was watching her, just staring. He couldn't help but think how beautifully her hair grew back, it was like she never had cancer and had to shave it all off.

Alex watched as Izzie stood up and brushed away the hair that fell over her face and tuck it behind her ear. She could see him staring at her from across the table and she felt herself growing red again. She didn't want to smile but she felt her mouth curve upwards so she bit her lip.

"I got paged. I gotta go, I'll see you later," Izzie informed Meredith, slightly pouting her lips and waving her pager in the air.

"Ok, we'll see you later," Meredith said approvingly.

"Thanks Alex for the coffee," Izzie thanked smilingly as she picked up her cup of coffee and held it upwards towards Alex's direction before she turned around and walked towards the exit. Alex nodded at her with a shy smile, he somehow didn't manage to get words out of his mouth. He was sure Meredith and Cristina noticed the blush on his face but he couldn't help it anyway.

"So, what changed your mind?" Meredith asked as she sat on the chair Izzie was sitting on.

Alex took a sip of his coffee before he stretched his arm and pointed his index finger forward. Following his finger direction, Meredith and Cristina looked over to find Jo standing not too far away from the table making sure to face Izzie's back so she wouldn't see her. She was grinning and gave Alex a thumb-up whom smiled back at her which made Cristina roll her eyes and Meredith to sigh before she stood up and said, "We should go."

As they walked away leaving Alex sitting alone, he was secretly processing the fact that he had finally spoken to Izzie and bought her coffee. He never imagined their first interaction to be so seamless. Specially after the way their relationship ended and the way he faced her with the first time. He couldn't help but feel a little ashamed of himself at her eminence. He watched as Jo instantly hovered towards him and plopped herself down on the only empty chair across from him.

"So your friends won't call me a douche now?" Alex asked smirking and Jo shook her head.

"They are going to call you a gentleman who can be nice to his ex-wife because he's completely over her. Plus, you're gonna thank me later when you have to work with her and it doesn't feel as awkward,"

Jo clarified with a bubbly voice before she winked at Alex and he nodded beaming at her. Sometimes Jo would get too excited she wouldn't give him a chance to talk but it didn't bother Alex, he liked her cheerfulness.

* * *

A few days had passed since then and Izzie had been enjoying every second she spent in Alex's company. Whether they had ran into each other in an elevator, a corridor or found one another sitting in the attending's lounge, they would burst into talking, joking and would both laugh blithely.

During those days, Izzie had a hard time understanding the physics of a smile not being able to leave one's lips. They were friends and it was easy. As long as neither of them brought up anything from the past, it was always good time.

Soon enough and a strange feeling started overtaking Izzie's body. She would get this strange sensation every time he caught her glance. Only the sight of him sent her emotions on a high. At first, she didn't quite understand it hence tried to ignore it, condone it. But that didn't get her any better. It was still inside. Missing with her head and distracting her from focusing on her work. And as much as it bothered her, it somehow made her feel shamelessly good.

Attraction. That was the only way Izzie could explain it. She believed she was attracted to Alex again. Attraction is instinctive, automatic and beyond our control since it takes place in primitive parts of the brain and it is activated by the senses.

Maybe it was his tall muscular body, his neatly trimmed brown hair, his light, airy eyes or his wonderfully questioning smile that gave Izzie that warm, fuzzy feeling. Or could it be the way he made her laugh and forget about her problems. Or probably the sense of affinity and nostalgia he made her feel because she practically lived and had a sexual intercourse with him at some point in her life. Whatever it was, the feeling was sending her scared. It almost felt similar to fear because Alex was no stranger, she knew him better than anyone in this entire hospital.

Mulling the thought over, they had nothing left between them. There was not meant to be anything between them. That love that she suppressed was meant to disappear by now. But her heart was telling her otherwise.

...

Even though 'Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital' had changed its name and logo three times over the years, it was still the same hospital to the people who had been working in it since its name was 'Seattle Grace Hospital'. It still had the same catwalk, same corridors, same nurses' stations, same cafeteria and same ORs. It hadn't changed much after all.

For Izzie, being back to the same hospital she had worked at before meant having more intense flashbacks of the past. Everywhere she turned, she would remember something happened here, or something she did there. She lived for three years in Seattle and it made her see the memories clearer. It was almost like reliving the past.

Sometimes Izzie would walk into a specific place and recall a memory she shared with Alex that took place there. And that was the most difficult. At times, she would walk into a closet or an on-call room and remember she had sex with Alex in this exact room. And as much as she tried to erase the inappropriate memories, they would come back crashing against her will.

The memories kept bouncing and the feelings kept intensifying making it harder for Izzie to go to work everyday. Confusion was pulsing through her body. But at the same time they made her feel like she came back to her _home_ and made her believe she and Alex still had _hope_.

Rattling thoughts in her head, Izzie couldn't be _falling_ for Alex again, it could be a horrible mistake like it was before, but it also could be what she exactly needed. Izzie was not sure if she still held any love for Alex until now, she surely didn't hate him, but she wasn't sure how she exactly felt about Alex except that when she looked at him she saw familiarity, kindness, peace, containment, she saw _safeness_ that warmed her inside. When she looked at him, she saw _hope_.

Like a mountain, the concept started building up inside of Izzie. Something in her started to brew. A desire. No, a _need_ for Alex began inside of her. Izzie didn't quite understand it but she would chase after it. Not sure why, to figure it out maybe. To reveal it. The thought ingrained in her and she just wanted to know. Because if she knew there was no chance for them, Izzie would go on with her life doubt and hope free.

It's like this: if you want the Universe to deliver exactly what you want into your life experience, you must be willing to do your part of the deal. You must co-create the result you want. When we put ourselves out there, willing to take risks and do the work, the Universe always rewards us one way or _another_.

* * *

Ruled by excessive hope and wrecking nerves, Izzie walked inside the hospital determined and insistent. She had been pondering the thought all night. Her subconscious was her only voice of reason. She did have second thoughts and hesitations, but she overtaken the thoughts by the thin thread of hope she was hanging her dreams on. Izzie had questioned the morality of the situation, but was overrun with curiosity of what Alex truly thought of her after all this time.

Izzie didn't care what people would think. She didn't care how Alex would react. He could throw a tantrum and reject for all she cared, but he could also return her the same feelings as well. Izzie knew Alex had always been sheepish and insecure he wasn't the one to make big steps or life altering decisions. He was so in love with her and yet couldn't bring himself to ask her to marry him, he had to be handed the wedding and the whole idea by Meredith for god's sake. Izzie was possessed by a desire to ask Alex.

Izzie secretly checked his schedule and found that he had time off after his last surgery near the end of the day. After she reluctantly approached him and asked him for a second to talk. Izzie told him it had to be in privet and saw the concern on his face.

Walking, Izzie's steps were slow and heavy. Thinking with every single step. Something kept telling her to stop and back away. But the sparkle she saw in his eyes when he looked at her fogged those thoughts.

"What'd you wanna say?" Alex hurried her to speak up right after they entered the room. They both felt odd they had never been left alone together in an empty room before.

"Uhh…I..Um…Uhh.." Izzie stumbled, unable to find the proper words to start with. She felt her palms sweat and the room was deadly quiet she was sure he could hear her heart pounding against her chest. Alex watched as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath in then breathed it out before she abruptly opened her eyes.

"We should get back together!"

Izzie felt her eyes widen and her mouth gap after the words slipped out of her tongue inadvertently and Alex's brows furrowed immediately.

"I've been thinking…When I first got here I was thinking that..Yes I do know that we were over a long time ago and that we led different lives now…But when I got here and saw you and saw everyone else, Meredith and Cristina, I thought, maybe we still have a chance," Izzie justified, she could feel the hesitation in her voice. Izzie tried desperately to reverse the awkwardness but worried the damage had already been done.

"Because I believe in second chances and I thought maybe there is a reason for this, for me to come back after all these years. Maybe it's not too late for us Alex an..." Izzie said sincerely, managing a hopeful smile through her blustering fears.

"What the hell are you saying?" Alex cut her off. The fury and annoyance clear in his voice and the smile on Izzie's face quickly disappeared.

"Do you really think you deserve a second chance? Why would I give you one after all what you've done to me? After all the pain you caused me when you callously broke my heart and decided to suddenly leave and then file for divorce! Don't you have a life by now? Or do you expect me to be waiting for you all these years hoping you would suddenly show up and hold your hand?"

Alex grunted, anger filling every atom of his body. Izzie crossed her arms over her chest and stood there listening to him. Izzie saw the anger rising in him, she saw the clench in his fists. Izzie's eyes were glaring and her jaw tight. Alex's words felt like acid being injected through her blood vessels and Izzie felt the anger in her beginning to seethe through.

"And In case you didn't know, I have a life, a whole new life that none of it includes you. I've found love, I have a _girlfriend_, I bought a house, I am a freaking Peds attending. You should pull your head out of your ass Izzie, because nothing is the same and never will be. And you stay out of me and my life." The moment Alex was finished, he knew he let his anger get the better of him.

"You know what, Alex? _Screw you_!"

Izzie yelled, throwing her hands in the air as she was done composing herself. If this was the end, she was going with a bang! She wouldn't be looked at as weak again. She would not let anyone trivialize her anymore. And that included Alex who knew about her and her past more than anyone else and could use it against her one day.

"You've been nice to me for few days and I really thought you've changed. But no, you're still the same arrogant jerk I've left five years ago," Izzie bit back, she could see that Alex was a little taken back at her unleash.

"God, I can't believe I was so stupid and wanted you back!" Izzie breathed out a laugh. Her hands were clenched and shaking and she felt the rage consuming the space between them.

"You don't get to have me, Alex. You go screw interns for the rest of your life,"

Izzie drawled as she shot Alex a small smile with a smug look on her face before she stormed for the door and slammed it behind her, feeling momentarily proud of herself for her confidence and fluid words. But as satisfying as it was to say that to him, she knew she just lost. Izzie could feel the light in her slowly starting to burn.

For Izzie, it seemed like there was a slight glimpse of chance, a possibility right by the corner, but instead all she felt was humiliation. She followed her heart again and now she had to face the consequences. Izzie had heard a lot of stories about exes getting back together many years later and she really thought someway she'd end up with some sort of fairy tale ending, but this was real life.

But for Alex, they were over a long time ago. Alex profoundly believed that their relationship was beyond repair. Izzie was a material of his past. He believed that he fondly gave her everything he could possibly give, but she took him for granted and treated him horribly after she recovered from cancer once she felt like she didn't need him anymore. Izzie ended it between them first, Alex was just finishing it.

He was already so damaged, and yet she essentially stomped on him and ran off. She was a done deal for him and her showing up again or coming back won't change that. Not even if she admitted that she still had feelings for him or begged for a second chance. He was content with his life. He had Jo and was in love with her and he was not ready to give that up whatsoever.

...

Laying down on her bed in a dark, cold room, and after the adrenaline had completely worn off. Izzie couldn't stop the thoughts from swirling in her head as the fight she had with Alex kept replaying itself.

Izzie couldn't stop beating herself up for her hastiness. The feeling of naivety and recklessness overtook her. She thought Alex could return her feelings but she was awfully mistaken. And as hard as she tried to ignore the feelings, they seemed to explode through her body, demanding to be felt. Izzie was driven with impulsive emotions that even the possibility of rejection didn't deter her from provoking his true feelings towards her. Izzie was curious to find out she forgot that curiosity kills the cat...always.

Izzie felt restless as one sentence echoed in her mind,

_I've found love._

Izzie felt a twinge in her chest at the sentence, unable to stop analyzing it. Did he really mean it, or did he say it just to convince her they were over.

Izzie pushed the thoughts away and reminded herself that she had to sleep so she could wake up for work tomorrow. She let out a heavy sigh and turned to her side on the bed as she tightened her clench on the duvet. It was cold and her head hurt from all those goddamn words that kept popping.

Izzie closed her eyes as she put those harsh thoughts aside and calmed herself down to sleep. Gradually, Izzie felt a single tear slowly slip down before it instantly got absorbed by the pillow. Izzie ignored it and let herself drift off to sleep.

...

I should be over all the butterflies  
But I'm into you  
And baby even on our worst nights  
I'm into you

Let them wonder how we got this far  
'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all  
Yeah, after all this time _I'm still into you_

* * *

**Thank you so so so much to everyone who reviewed my story, I really appreciate it, it means a lot to me and it encourages me to keep writing. So really thank you.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry it took forever to update.**

**A\N: Alex and Jo are not married, just live together. It doesn't really matter if I like jolex or not, it won't change how the story is going to go so don't worry.**

**Thank you again for reading and reviewing :)**


	3. Chapter 3 Just Keep Breathing

Alex knew he was going to have to work with Izzie one day, but he never expected it to be the day right after their exasperated fight. It ultimately was not the first time him and Izzie had fought and had to work together after it before, but this time was different. This time Izzie was not his wife, she was not his girlfriend, she was not even his friend anymore. This time was something he had never experienced before.

Although he felt a little like an ass for the hurtful words and letting his tongue lashing at her, he didn't feel guilty for popping her bubble and telling her how he really felt so her dreamy bubble won't keep getting bigger and bigger in her head.

For the case they were both on, Izzie had to deliver a baby who had a heart defect and needed a repair surgery right after delivery and his mother also needed surgery. Izzie hated that because it meant that Alex had to be in the room checking on the baby via an ultra sound machine for nearly the entire time till surgery. She was still wrathful about Alex respond to her yesterday.

Rejection was definitely to be expected as one of Alex's possible reactions to her offer, but Izzie never expected Alex to reject her the way he did. She wasn't sure why she was so upset and angry Izzie knew rejection well and it was not the first time. In fact, they were the best of friends. Izzie still remembered the day when she came back to fix things and Alex told her to go and not come back like it happened yesterday. It was one of the worst days of Izzie's life, but this rejection destroyed all hope she held. She had never known rejection as harsh as what Alex delivered. Something in her wanted there to be some sort of hope but it was foolish to believe there was any hope left.

Both Izzie and Alex were counting the minutes untill the time of surgery. While they worked in silence, huffing and puffing, only either of them periodically talked to the mother one at a time, and there would be an unbearable, strained silence in the room if no one was talking. During that time, none of them had spared the other a glance, never. Because if they had, they would had seen the irritation and spite blazing through their smoldered eyes from the unfortunate night before. They just couldn't wait for this day to be over.

...

While Izzie was checking the mother's vital signs for one last time before surgery, she noticed that the pregnant in her mid thirties woman didn't have anyone with her. It concerned Izzie again, she had asked her about it when she first met her and the pregnant woman told her that there was no one with her but Izzie was so wrapped up on her own thoughts she couldn't rake her brain around her patient's problem.

After Izzie shook her irritated thoughts away, she realized the woman's problem and had to ask again, it was her patient's interest that she had to be concerned about after all.

Reaching by the side of the bed and sitting on the stool, Izzie started,

"Um, I'm sorry to disturb you but I need to ask again, are you sure you there is no one to be here with you?" Izzie asked the pregnant lady, a concerned look evident on her face. Izzie made sure to face her back to Alex who had been writing on the chart so she would not get distracted.

"I told you I don't. My parents live in Spain and can't fly out to me," The pregnant woman huffed audibly before she answered with annoyance clear in her tone.

Izzie kept silent for a moment before she swallowed and hesitantly asked as nice as possible, "Um, what about the father of the baby?"

"He's not here," the woman hissed, Izzie could see the glare in her eyes.

"I understand, but you really need to have someone by your side after you get out of surgery. Your baby is going to need a heart surgery and then he is going to be in the NICU for a while before he needs a lot of other procedures and intense health care later, and you are going to be just out of surgery too, you know you are going to need a uterus surgery. I'm just not sure you can do all of this on your own," Izzie explained sincerely, the honesty and concern in her eyes seethed through to the ill woman.

The pregnant woman sighed before she rested her head on the pile of pillows that were stacked behind her head and started,

"I know. My boyfriend left me after I got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby but I insisted on keeping it and here I am. He showed up this morning after you left my room and told me he was sorry but I rejected him, told him it was too late," The woman said in desperation.

"You were wrong," Izzie's words caused the woman to rise her head up and look at Izzie with wide eyes.

"He came back which means he thought about it…thought about you. It's a good thing although it took him a while. He showed up, it's better than not showing at all. It means he realized it was the right thing to come back and ask for forgiveness. He doesn't want to you to go through all of this alone. He realized his mistake and came back to fix it, you should let him. Trust me it's way better than him moving on with his life and leaving you suffer with a sick baby all by yourself. You should give him a second chance, I don't think you will regret it," Izzie explained to the woman wholeheartedly.

"What if I do?" The woman asked, her eyes brimming and her face looked uncertain.

"Well, at least you've had someone to help you after your and your baby's surgeries," Izzie shrugged jokingly to the woman.

"He might fall in love with the baby and never leave, you never know," Izzie said winking at the woman making her smile through her teary eyes before they heard a knock on the door and looked over to see a dark haired and grey eyed man standing with remorseful look on his face.

He stood there in silence, he seemed like he was about to cry before the pregnant woman extended her arm towards him and he directly ran to fall in her arms.

...

Later on the day, the mother and baby's surgeries both went smoothly.

While Izzie was standing outside her patient's room, she couldn't help but smile at the sight she saw through the un-blinded windows as she watched her patient crying tears of joy while her boyfriend was describing the baby's features to her with their hands clasped.

Izzie was thankful such strained, uneasy case was over and everything went fine with no bumps with Alex. She could not deny that things felt uncharacteristically tense between her and Alex during the day. Last night was horrible for both of them and she seriously thought he was going to cause problems due to his precipitated anger from their fight. It was such a nerve-raking day for Izzie it beat her first day back at Seattle.

Izzie felt free as the time of surgery was afternoon and she didn't have to be in the same room with Alex for any longer in the day. Izzie smilingly handed the patient's chart to the nurse and was going to go continue her day. The second Izzie gleefully spun off the nurse's station and took her first step, she felt her steps freeze as she heard Alex's voice from behind her back,

"Come on, we gotta talk."

Alex announced flatly before he spun and started walking. He didn't wait for a response as he quickly turned on his heels leaving Izzie startled and confused. The second Izzie turned around, she was already met by his back before he started walking off immediately. Izzie couldn't see Alex, he was too quick for her to even get a glance of his face. Izzie knitted her brows in confusion before she shrugged and started following him.

Trailing behind Alex, Izzie was wondering what possibly Alex wanted from her. Maybe he wanted to ask her something about the case. But why would he do that now after they had finished the surgeries. They technically were not on the same case anymore. Plus, why he would not do that in public where she was initially standing. It confused Izzie because during the day, they had not said a word to each other, they only communicated through nurses. None of them dared to look in the others way. Why would he want to see her and even more talk to her now?

Fear interrupted her conflicting thoughts. A panic attack began to swell inside Izzie. She kept walking with a mounting fear. Maybe he was not done and wanted to tell her off on what she said last night. Izzie provoked him, called him an arrogant jerk and told him they should get back together while he was in a relationship.

Feeling panic stir inside her, Izzie felt sick to her stomach. She knew she was crossing a line but she didn't imagine it would make Alex angry at her in such way. She had no right meddling in his life or the love affair he was having.

Izzie suddenly felt the blood leave her cheeks at the realization that she had no idea where Alex was taking her. He could do anything. She literally missed everything up. Izzie had no idea what he wanted but she was definitely scared of whatever he was going to say or do. She was expecting anything. Alex could literally do anything within the walls of this hospital.

_Crap! What have I done!  
_

Izzie felt her timid steps as she faltered behind Alex. Her nerves knotted themselves tightly in anticipation. She could feel her chest heave and her palms moisten and shake slightly. She started regretting everything she had said to Alex yesterday. She regretted making the whole move in the first place. What was she thinking? Didn't she consider that he had a new life now. What the hell was she thinking asking him to give up his life to be with her. Foolishness started to invade Izzie's mind, how could she make such request when she only had been in the city for few days.

Izzie meandered her thoughts that went all entangled at the possible things Alex could do to her. Izzie had had few encounters with Alex since she arrived at Seattle. She had enough courage to go and meet him on her first day, she was able to endure his rejection for a week, and she had the balls to ask him to get back to her to his face, but this encounter was adding series of things that she had not been able to anticipate.

Izzie felt her stomach light and at the same time felt it knot the moment she saw Alex get closer to a closet before he entered it as she instantly remembered that they had sex for the first time in a linen closet in this very hospital. Izzie blushed crimson at the thought, recalling all sorts of memories. What if Alex had thought about it and changed his mind. Maybe he remembered their good times and wanted them back too and chose to tell her that in a closet just like their first time.

_Alex can be romantic sometimes_.

Izzie started biting the insides of her cheeks as she felt her heart race at the thought of a possible kiss.

As if whisked away in a daydream of romantic musings, sweet sensations and anticipations, Izzie only realized she had made it to the closet as the sound of the door close shut brought her back to find herself standing in an empty-of-people closet with Alex.

Standing in the closet, Izzie's stomach did a somersault when she noticed that Alex had kept a considerable space from her. Izzie instinctively started fiddling with her fingers as she felt the anxiety in her grow to every inch of her body. She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she flinched at hearing Alex grunt,

"What is wrong with you?"

Izzie looked at Alex and his face seemed tense almost too controlled. The tone in his voice surprised her, it was strained like he was holding something back from exploding.

Izzie held back the disappointment when she realized Alex didn't contradict with what he said yesterday. She was disconcerted but also worried for more hateful words, not sure if she could take anymore.

"Will you ever stop being out of your mind? Haven't I told you that we were over? What am I supposed to do so you understand that there is never a chance?"

Alex snarled disorienting Izzie. Her lips parted and her core trembled as she tried to grasp what he meant in reference to his feelings for her, and even then she wasn't sure. Izzie had no idea what he was talking about before she felt her gut twist as she quickly figured it out and she felt a flare of anger beginning within her.

"Wait… Did you think I was shading you when I was talking to my patient?" Izzie asked doubtfully, her browse bunched together. Alex kept silent, taking full advantage of her doubt riddled face and it gave her the cue to continue.

"That's not…I was not, I wasn't talking about you. I was totally talking to my patient. They did have a chance and they did deserve a start over because not every relationship is permanently damaged, Alex. Sometimes people look at their problems from one corner and forget about the whole picture and I was helping her see the whole picture, that's all," Izzie explained defensively, shaking her head unable to believe he thought she meant him.

Apparently, Alex didn't seem convinced and thought there was a deeper intention behind her hints. There was a hint of disbelief in Alex's response and Izzie balled her fists. He was not done as he threatened her as if trying his damndest to damage her in some way. The tension between them was laid thick and Izzie bit down on her bottom lip before she sighed and looked away, her foot slightly tapping as she was growing impatient while listening to him talk.

"Look, you gotta get over yourself already. You keep bugging on my life it's getting ridiculous and…"

"I didn't come back for you!"

Izzie cut him off almost yelling in fury and it had Alex instantly frozen. Izzie could feel her muscles bouncing up. Gut wrenching confusion flooded her, and it began to collide awkwardly with her fast forming anger. Izzie looked about ready to burst.

You know that period in life, after something horrible had happened and you fought and got through it. You know it was true but you didn't tell anyone. Instead, you decided to cram it deep down and lock it securely so no one would reach it, and most importantly you wouldn't have to remember the pain that would come along with it. But then comes that strange moment in time, when you find yourself threatened to tell, to spell it all out. You feel like you have no other choice but to throw it all out and lay it down in front of you, no matter the consequences. Of all things, that was what Izzie remembered most.

For some odd reason, Alex's words stabbed at Izzie's insides and it was now her time to retort the humiliation. She was going to reveal something she might regret saying. She couldn't seem to figure out why she was reacting so quickly, but as last attempt to keep her dignity, or maybe not, she spoke.

"I didn't come back for you, I didn't come back for anyone. I didn't even want to come back. I had a life in…Actually two lives with four different people. I struggled finding a job after I left Seattle. I dated four boyfriends who were complete bastards and left me after they felt like had enough of me. The second one gave me a hard time after we broke up it made me move to another hospital that didn't pay me much but I had to because it was the closest to where I lived. My last boyfriend enchanted me with his charisma and perfect smile, I thought he was the one. He fooled me into buying a house and promised me he was gonna marry me afterwards, so I worked my ass _off_ to make as much money as I could, we chipped in and bought a house together. And once we got our dream house…." Izzie revealed rigorously, then stopped and looked away before she continued.

"He dumped me…" Izzie muttered quietly before she stopped for a moment as she felt the sad throat staring, her breathing was hard and Alex saw her eyes drop to the floor.

"And kicked me out," Izzie breathed out before she felt an unbidden tear fall down her face and she quickly turned her face to wipe it away with her right hand before balling it again. The room was quiet and Alex heard her curse under her breath at the tear.

Izzie was hell bent on making sure Alex didn't see her cry, she thought what she was saying was pathetic enough the tears were just going to stain the situation. Izzie took a breath before continuing. There was no sugar coating this time, just the bare ugly truth.

"I was broke, penniless. I didn't have anywhere to go and I couldn't fly to my mom so I stayed at the hospital. I lived in the hospital for a week until I saw your hospital offer for an OBGYN attending, and guess what? It took me two weeks to apply for the job because I didn't wanna come back here…to see _you_..and see everyone. I didn't wanna get back to my starting point again, my zero start. But I had to. I had no other choice. So don't worry, Alex. I wasn't shading you and I didn't come back to miss up your life," Izzie continued with quieter tone than before and the pain in her words was very clear. She felt her eyes sting but she held back the tears.

Alex had not breathed a word, he stood there speechless, his mouth was slightly agape and his eyes wide, dumbstruck by her shocking revelations that had him at a loss for a response. He tried to speak, to say something. His mouth opened, forming around a failed reply. Nothing. He drooped his eyes from her instead.

"Oh my god, I can't believe I told you we should get back together, I must've been crazy or extremely tired after a radiation session or something," Izzie wondered to herself and Alex felt as if his heart dropped between his feet and looked up at her instantly.

"Is It, back?" Alex asked slowly, afraid of the answer. His tone was quite but slightly sinful causing Izzie to swing her stare back to his. When their gaze met, Alex saw Izzie's eyes filled with sadness, Alex had put her on the spot.

"Yeah, I got the cancer back a month ago," Izzie couldn't help the bitter words that escaped her mouth and Alex's head fell slightly and kept silent. Alex instantly did a quick calculation in his head and realized the cancer was back after she lost her house. Alex felt his blood inflame as he heard her words echoing through the small, confined space.

"I'm..I'm sorr—"

"—No, don't be."

It became obvious what Alex was about to say to Izzie, but she didn't need his apology or sympathy. What happened to her during those five years was not his fault. It was her life and Izzie thought he didn't have anything to apologize for.

The room was silent and they both didn't look at each other. Izzie lifted her glare towards Alex and the look on his face was something she had never seen before, something she couldn't describe. She didn't know the sadness she saw etched on his face would evoke so much emotion within her and as much as she was discontent with him, she couldn't help but wish if she could run and engulf him in a long, warm hug. But she couldn't do that now. Now, she should be thankful he was talking to her.

"I'm fine now. Really. I live at Meredith's and I'm fine. Just do me a favor and forget we ever had this conversation or that I ever told you anything. Specially last night, that was a mistake because of my big mouth," Izzie said with a small smile trying to cover for her sad eyes and Alex's gaze swung up at her before it quickly plunged again.

"I have to go now. Excuse me," Izzie excused, she looked at Alex and his eyes were on the ground. And unlike yesterday, she didn't slam the door shut, she closed it softly.

...

Alex stood in the closet alone. His head slightly down. He was still shocked and trying to process everything Izzie had said. He was in stark disbelief he almost thought it was some elaborate lie Izzie conjured. Alex felt his heart cement itself. Just the thought of it being true was making him delirious.

Alex felt his body tense and his eyes filling with rage. His knuckles turned a vibrant white color and his breathing became hard as an unsatisfying anger burned inside him. He took a pop at her. The guilt in him was rapidly building. They should not have done that to Izzie. No one should. Izzie deserved better than that. She deserved the best. When he asked her to leave, he only wanted her to be happy and he made sure he told her that. If he had known this would happen to her he wouldn't have let her go.

The anger that possessed in Alex was truly frightening. He grit his teeth so tight that his jaw ached. Alex was angry. Angry at those bastards, if only he could, he would haunt them down and beat the hell out of them. But mostly, he was angry at himself. He didn't know that she was trying to get her life back together. Alex couldn't rectify what had happened to Izzie, he couldn't even rectify what he said to her. He never wanted to let loose on her and throw statements that she didn't deserve. Izzie was the last person he wanted to hurt. Alex didn't want to hurt Izzie, not anymore.

...

The second Izzie stepped out of the closet, the realization hit her. She just revealed her past to Alex, all of it. Izzie felt the pain engulf her body at the thought of it. She kept mindlessly walking, not knowing where her legs were taking her except that she wanted to get as far from Alex as possible.

When Izzie felt like she was far enough, she gradually stopped walking to find herself standing in the middle of an empty corridor somewhere in the hospital. Izzie felt her heart rattling and her breathing was heavy and short, her eyes burning, anguish face, lips trembling. The burning violent ache in her chest was leaving her breathless, pained and discombobulated.

Izzie's breathing became heavy and she tried to gulp back air to breath properly. Her hands started to tremble. Izzie turned to face the wall, leaned slightly and placed her palms against the cold corridor's wall. She felt the stingy pain of her hot, moisten skin meeting the cold wall. Izzie pushed her weigh to the wall to keep her standing. She stood in the empty corridor by herself. Panting. Trying to compose herself and all the emotions she had to bottle up. There was no voices, no discrete wipers, no sounds. Only the sound of her struggling breath.

There was no alarm or warning. Her past was now revealed, aggressively exposed before Alex like an open book. The pages were blank. As much as Izzie tried to cover it, hide it, forget it, pretend it didn't happen, start fresh with a new beginning. Her own past came haunting her.

_My past has returned_.

As quickly as the thought came to Izzie, a sense of fear overtook her body. She was afraid Alex would hunt her down for her past. Alex was naturally irascible. And his wrath was usually vent in words, not aware of the anguish he was inflicting to her fragile soul.

Izzie knew that was her cue to leave and she wanted to so badly, but she also knew it would just be feeding into Alex's malicious side. She didn't know why his words felt like a verbal slap to her face. It was as if he goaded her on to more daring revelations. She wanted to make a suitably cutting retort. For something to be done, it had to be done.

The air thickened and Izzie's chest was squeezing tight she was not sure when her next breath of air would come. She stood desolate, looking through a tunnel of all her fears.

The despair made Izzie so weak, so exposed. Her past was no fairy tale or love affair, it was only break, burn and end. It hurt Izzie that there was no love or romance, no sweet words to say. Her and Alex stood there like strangers, their lives that once had been bold, now her barren past was clear and Alex did nothing but blame himself for it.

It pained Izzie to tell Alex about what happened to her after she left him, but she had to. She felt like she had to fend for herself, even if it meant telling him about her miserable past. She couldn't help herself, she was just letting all this out of her. Something so backed up that she didn't even let anyone besides Meredith get this far, and even Meredith she had to tell her because she needed to live with her. She shut them all out. But somehow Alex felt _safe_. He felt like_ home_. She felt like he still had a piece of her heart. Which was a ridiculous thought after five years and especially after all what he had told her.

Although somehow it felt like a weigh off Izzie's shoulders, what she truly felt was the unbearable pain and suffocation of her heart wounds that burst open at the recalling memories which she spent the past five years stitching up and bandaging.

Izzie could have sat down on the spot and cried heartily, if she had not learned the wisdom of bottling up one's tears for leisure moments. She wanted nothing but crumble and cry, but that was something she could not do. Izzie closed her eyes tightly and remembered why she was here.

Izzie breathed in a few times to try to settle her nerves. When Izzie felt like she had regained her equilibrium, she stood up straight, blinked away the tears that stubbornly refused to fall, straightened her lab coat, held her head up high, closed her eyes and let out a loud, cathartic breath into the silence. she started walking slowly and steadily, checking herself in every step she took. Going back to her job, the only ever thing she grasped to have for _now_.

...

The past was something that you couldn't always hide from others. You could try to, but eventually it would catch up to you, constantly nagging the back of your head, until one day, it would get tired from being hidden and somehow find its way out. And not only torment you, but others too.

That was the thing about cuts too. You could try and forget about them, put band-aids on them, try to heal them, but there will always be the scars left. Constantly reminding you of the fight and pain you went through. They were like the past, you couldn't run from it, and when you didn't want to remember it, you would shut it away, waiting for the day that it would come back to haunt you. _This_ was the day Izzie was dreading.

...

When these walls don't feel like _home_  
Remember that you're not alone  
The beginning's just another end  
It's not too late to start again  
When hope is all too hard to hold  
Just take a breath and let it go  
_Just Keep breathing_

* * *

**A\N: I will not be concentrating on the medical cases, they are only to help the story plot.**

**Thank you so much for the reviews, they are heartwarming! I hope you like this chapter. I'd like to know what you think of it.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing :)**


	4. Chapter 4 Smile

As soon as Derek unlocked the house door and pushed it open, he smelt the sweet smell of baking cakes in varies flavors as it outspread through the small gap he just made.

_Ugh, Izzie is baking again._

Walking into the lounge room and while passing by the kitchen, Derek paused to greet, "Hi Izzie."

"Oh, hi Derek. Come get yourself a cupcake, they were just out of the oven," Izzie yelled excitedly from behind the kitchen counter.

"Ok, I'll go change first," Derek said as he forced a smile and pointed to his bedroom direction and Izzie nodded smilingly at him before she got back to her cupcakes.

Minutes later, Izzie didn't notice Meredith reluctantly walking out of her bedroom and towards the kitchen as she was busily engrossed in her cupcakes. Meredith was going to talk to Izzie like Derek asked. He complained about Izzie's baking. She had been baking for the past few days and they both did not know what to do with all the cupcakes and pies she was baking. Moreover, she kept giving Zola cupcakes even though they asked her not to, saying she couldn't resist Zola's cute puppy dog eyes and it annoyed them considering how unhealthy they were. Although Meredith had explained to Derek that Izzie usually baked when she felt sad or upset and that he should cut her a slack, he insisted she went and figured out a way to make her stop. Meredith found herself unable to refuse under Derek's insistence.

Sitting on one of the bar stools in front of Izzie, Meredith started, asking for Izzie's attention.

"Hey, Iz. What are you baking?"

"Chocolate, raspberry and blueberry cupcakes. Want one?" Izzie gushed after she turned to face Meredith, excited for her to taste the cupcakes she just baked. Meredith nodded and Izzie handed her a blueberry flavored cupcake.

"So, how have you been?" Meredith asked as she peeled on her cupcake paper.

"Good," Izzie answered with a smile. She didn't say anything for a moment before she reluctantly asked bunching her brows,

"Umm, is this intern Alex is dating serious? I, I mean, are they serious?"

"You mean Jo? As far as I can see, yes. I think they are serious. Actually, she was the one who got Alex talking to you," Meredith informed Izzie while looking a little surprised at her question.

"Oh," was all Izzie managed before she dropped her head and started stirring the cupcake batter.

As soon as Meredith took her first bite on the cupcake, she felt her mouth gradually stop chewing and she raised her brows as she watched Izzie stir the batter so fast and hard, the whisk harshly hitting the edges of the glass bowl.

"Izzie?" Meredith muttered quizzically through her half full mouth as she started to get worried. Meredith could feel the mood shift as Izzie let the silence hang on too long before Izzie let out a sigh and tore her gaze off the bowl to Meredith who had a look of confusion on her face.

"I screwed up everything, that's what happened," Izzie grunted, her nostril flaring before she looked down and started pouring the batter into the buttered cups of the cupcake pan, one at a time.

Meredith winced, not sure why Izzie was angry. But instead of asking and pushing her to talk, Meredith preferred waiting for Izzie until she calmed down and talked by herself. While sitting, Meredith watched as Izzie placed the pan inside the oven and brought the frosting bowl in front of her and started spreading frosting on top of each cupcake.

After what seemed like a lifetime of silence. Izzie dragged her glare from the cupcake in her hand and fixed it on Meredith, a sneer appeared on Izzie's face before she started talking.

"Apparently, I asked Alex to dump his lovely girlfriend who made him talk to his ex-wife and asked him to get back to _me_," Izzie sneered angrily and Meredith's eyes immediately shot up wide.

"And I thought he was nice to me, when it actually was under her orders. God, I'm so stupid!" Izzie muttered to herself, shaking her head at her naivety and Meredith swallowed slowly as she understood what Izzie was talking about.

Meredith didn't know about any of this, but she realized instantly that Izzie had gotten herself in trouble with Alex. Meredith took a moment to look away, thinking something over briefly and raking her brain for a way that could make Izzie's darkness go away, even for just a little while.

"Maybe you need to find someone like he did," Meredith suggested after swinging her stare back to Izzie and Izzie let out a short laugh.

"Tried before, didn't work," Izzie said dismissively as she licked the frosting on her finger.

"That was because besides Alex, you didn't know the guys you dated. But you don't have to do that anymore," Meredith explained and Izzie sighed as she got tired of Meredith riddle speaking.

"Meredith, what are you talking about?" Izzie asked, she was running low on patience and Meredith was making small talk. But instead of getting an answer, Izzie saw a smirk appear on Meredith's face before she got up and scurried off hastily leaving Izzie standing with a crooked brow. Not thinking much of it, Izzie sighed and got back to frosting her cupcakes.

...

A few minutes later, Meredith marched towards the kitchen reaching for Izzie who was cleaning the mess after and getting ready to get out of the kitchen. Meredith stood behind the counter and placed her hands on the edge.

"You are going on a date tomorrow," Meredith announced and Izzie frowned instantly.

"I talked to Cristina and Owen said he knew a good guy you can go out with," Meredith said further but it didn't make the frown on Izzie's face go away. Izzie blinked few times before she started laughing and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Did you tell Andy?" Izzie asked with a serious tone after she stopped laughing.

"Who's Andy?" Meredith asked back as she knitted her brows.

"My scrub nurse, I think she'd like to know too," Izzie said comically and Meredith rolled her eyes again.

"Look, I really appreciate your concern and try to help me. But I don't need it. Thanks, Mer," Izzie retorted nicely but Meredith wasn't buying it.

"Izzie, I'm serious. You can't stay like this. You need to move on with your life and by this we're saving you the risk of dating the wrong guys like you did before. Trust me about this and try." The concern in Meredith and her desperate need to help her friend delighted Izzie's soul. It made her feel like she was not alone after all. With that thought and an unsure exhale that Izzie didn't recognize she replied,

"Okay." Izzie felt the surprise on her face and looked at Meredith who was also surprised before a grin replaced the surprised expression and Meredith quickly walked away to what Izzie assumed inform Cristina about her successful plan.

Chewing the thought over as Izzie walked out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom, the wait for Alex seemed pointless, specially after she knew how serious he was about Jo. After Izzie revealed her past for Alex, she didn't want anyone to watch and enjoy her sorrow, aware of the brutal fact that she couldn't deny it or reverse.

Maybe dating would help banish the nerves she felt and lighten her mood. Izzie wanted something to take her out of her state of self-pitying and Meredith offer seemed safe and somewhat acceptable.

Meredith was right, it was about time Izzie found the right person for her just like Alex did. Alex got nothing on her. And if it meant going on a blind date through Owen, then she'd do it. Izzie couldn't care less about Alex and his intern, it was time to care about her own life and start rebuilding it correctly this time.

There always comes a point in life when you've had enough and just have to let go of the things that kept weighing you down no matter how convincing they seemed, that you can't do without them. It's just a matter of time and you'll surely get over it. Moving on doesn't mean you _forget_ about things, it just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.

* * *

It was around ten O'clock, Meredith and Derek were sitting in the lounge room waiting impatiently for Izzie to come back from the first date Owen set up for her.

The moment Meredith heard the door swing open, she immediately dialed Cristina's number who was also waiting all the way over in her room at Alex's place with Owen. They were all thrilled to find out about how Izzie's date went. Just like Derek, Cristina was affected by Meredith's lecture on the need to help their old friend. Derek and Owen didn't mind offering any possible help they had. Derek had once operated on Izzie and saved her life, and Owen helped her get back to her job and taught her after recovering from cancer. She was a friend of theirs one day and they felt the need to help her by instinct.

Meredith and Derek heard the door slam shut before they watched in dismay as Izzie sulked to the lounge room and stood in front of them. One fist clenched tight and the other around the strap of her purse. Her jaw tight, a scowl plastered on her face, her hair looked slightly messy and her nostril were flaring. Meredith propped up at Izzie's disheveled appearance, a mystified look appeared on her and Derek's faces.

Izzie stood in fury silence for a moment before she snapped,

"Turned out your date was a monster."

"What? Why? What happened?" Meredith asked with raised brows.

"This "awesome date," Izzie said as she formed quotation marks with her hands before she threw her free hand in the air and continued.

"Took me to a seafood restaurant, I thought he was going to order fish like normal people, but instead he ordered alive shrimp and ate it! It was _moving_ in front of us _on_ the table and he_ ate_ it! He's such a monster!" Izzie narrated wrathfully, Meredith and Derek brows crinkled while Cristina and Owen pulled disgusted faces.

"And my favorite part, he tried to kiss me while driving down the road, we almost ran into a store! Owen, I'm going to kill you if I see you tomorrow. I'm going to kill you," Izzie threatened and none spoke a word yet.

A few seconds of deflated silence dwelled in the air before a sound of a muffled chuckle slivered it. Soon and the chuckling developed into a giggle before Cristina broke out in laughter through the phone. Meredith, Derek and Izzie exchanged confused looks as the sound of Cristina's giggle echoed through the large space.

After a few seconds, both Derek and Izzie's glares simultaneously switched to Meredith as a chuckle escaped from behind her hand that she placed over her mouth before she too burst into a series of laughter. Both Meredith and Cristina were laughing vividly and seemingly uncontrollably.

Owen on the other end looked speechlessly at Cristina who was laughing hysterically before he joined her. Derek looked at Meredith and a grin involuntarily appeared on his face before he let out a giggle that quickly turned into laughter.

They all sat there laughing, leaving Izzie standing and darting her eyes between Derek and Meredith in discontent and listening to Cristina and Owen through the speaker. She was exhausted and trying her best not to lose her patience with them as she couldn't seem to figure out what was so gosh darn funny.

"Seriously? You're laughing? You set me up for this awful date and now you're laughing about it?"

"I'm sorry Izzie, but this is hilarious," Meredith managed in between the gasps of air and laughter.

"So I'm the butt of the joke now?" Izzie asked raising her brows, impressed by the condition of her supportive friends.

With the uncontrollable guffaw session Izzie found herself standing in the middle of, she slowly felt her lips curve upwards and a chuckle escaped her lips before she joined her friends and broke out in laughter. Everyone was guffawing and Cristina could feel the tears in her eyes. Izzie placed her hand on her stomach as it started to hurt from laughing. They had not laughed like this in a long time so none of them tried to stop it and they let their energy drain with the laughter. Izzie wasn't angry at them because they weren't really laughing at her, they were laughing with her because she laughed the hardest.

After minutes of guffawing when they finally felt tired of laughing, they gradually stopped and the places started becoming quiet again.

"I'm sorry, Izzie. I knew the guy but I didn't know he developed a passion for eating his food alive," Owen apologized nicely and Izzie nodded forgivingly as she sat down on the couch.

"I've got another guy that I'm sure of this time," Owen said and Izzie shook her head instantly.

"What? No. No way I'm going to another blind date by you. Just forget it, Owen."

"No, trust me about this one. I know this guy very well and you can't say no to him. You really would wanna see this one," Owen assured and Izzie looked at Meredith's face to see a semi puppy dog eyes and Izzie huffed audibly.

"Fine. Just one more. But if it turned out like the first one I'm coming after you, Owen. And I mean it this time," Izzie warned as she rubbed her head and Owen let out a laugh before he reassured her, "You won't have to."

* * *

Izzie thanked the waiter after he helped her take off her winter coat and placed it on the back of her seat. After she settled in her chair, Izzie looked around to take in her surroundings. The wooden designs, the organic wall coverings and installed gardens, the dim lights and the spectacular view. The service, the ambiance and the food. Candles lit everywhere and everything looked excellent. Izzie was blown away by the place she was sitting in.

Izzie squirmed a little in her chair, Queen Anne was one of the finest and fanciest restaurants in Seattle. Izzie had heard about it and only imagined going in her dreams. It was so out of her debt and knew she couldn't afford it. If her date hadn't taken her, she would never be sitting here right now.

Their table was by a big, glass window. Izzie turned her glare and she could see a breathtaking view of Seattle. The location was quite spectacular and Izzie was mesmerized by the view. By her side was the city skyline, the city's tall buildings stood in the middle of the darkness and the crystal lights shimmered from distance. With the sound of the food sloshing around and the stunning view she was looking at, Izzie started to drift deep into her thoughts.

Izzie wasn't sure why she agreed to go out on a blind date Owen had set up again. If she thought rationally, she would had dismissed it. Not only because of the first one, but also because Izzie's history with men in general. All her attempts to get into a decent relationship after her marriage failed. Izzie believed she was hapless an feared this date would also be to no avail, but the sureness in Owen's voice made her a little bit encouraged to try one more time.

Izzie didn't notice she had dowelled in thoughts until she snapped out of them by the sound of her date greeting.

"Hi again," Jake uttered effortlessly, Izzie looked over at Jake who sat there with all the confidence in the world. His southern British tone wrapped around her like the southern Californian sunshine. Izzie noticed his lips curve upwards ever so slightly, and that was when she forgot she had to breath.

"Hi," Izzie managed out, trying to be at ease as much as possible and not able to restrain her reflexive grin.

"So, how many people died on your watch?" Jake asked in a very calm manner and Izzie's eyes went wide at his question, faulting her ears of what she had just heard. He was making her even more agitated.

"I, I'm sorry? You don't really mean asking that, do you?" Now it was Izzie swinging the challenge and he was quick to respond.

"Of course I do. In fact, my uncle Dr. Morgan is a heart surgeon so I'm familiar with the topic," Jake explained and Izzie leant forward slightly.

"Wait, Dr. Morgan, the Harper Avery winner?" Izzie asked in disbelief and Jake nodded in approval.

"Wow," Izzie breath out before she bashfully tore her stare away. The fact that he was looking at her from across the table was making her insides stir. She turned her attention back to the city view to her left, hoping that would settle her anxiousness somehow.

There was no doubt he was beautiful. It was his eyes that lured her into a sense of curiosity aimed towards her. They were so clear that she filed them as the most unique set of eyes she had ever seen. Even though they matched the blond hair and pale white skin, there was no way did her eye color match his. His eyes were bright blue like the sky on a cloudless day. Izzie was tempted to look back and see if he was still staring but she didn't.

"I'm not off to a good start at all, am I?" He asked, desperately trying to grab Izzie's attention again and he looked like he was holding back a secret smile. Getting her bearings and trying to make light of the situation, Izzie smiled. Feeling for the first time a bit more in control, Izzie managed more than one word.

"If it makes you feel better, I've been on worse blind dates. Except they didn't accuse me of killing my patients right from the start," Izzie said, not sounding too offensive and she saw his white skin go a little red.

"I apologize," Jake apologized nicely and Izzie nodded, smiling at his decency.

Izzie couldn't believe she was admitting that to herself, but his stark features were mesmerizing. His blond almost golden hair against his smooth white skin. Combined with those eyes was surely a character someone wrote about. People with this magnificent looking didn't usually exist, let alone being interested in her.

"Shall we start with appetizers or you want to go to the desserts right away?" Jake asked as he pulled a playful grin that disarmed her immediately. Izzie looked surprised as she eyed him suspiciously not sure what to think of his question.

"How did you know that I like desserts?"

"I just know," Jake said smirking and a smug look on his face. Izzie wasn't sure whether to consider it a compliment or an offense. With confusion at his vague answer, Izzie felt the defense mechanism take over as she grabbed the menu trying to look angry.

"I'll actually start with the main course." Momentarily proud of herself at her confidence, Izzie watched as his smile reappeared and she felt herself warming.

Izzie was taking far too long for his liking. She was not sure what to order, she had never been to this diner and she reneged every time she glanced the prices that were plastered next to the fancy names.

"Would you mind allowing me to order for you?" Jake offered nicely after he cleared his throat and Izzie couldn't help the smile that broke on her face as she shook her head in agreement. Izzie wasn't a finicky eater and liked trying new things and Jake's offer gave her relief and a momentarily gust of excitement at his possible choices for her since he knew something about her when they had been only minutes into the night.

As they waited for the food, they began talking about random things. Izzie realized that Jake looked cocky form afar, but he was actually pretty nice and urbane up close. Ameliorating the night was the luxurious, heartwarming, medium-bodied red wine, boasting silky tannins and a long finish in Izzie's body with every sip. When their plates arrived, Izzie couldn't recognize the exact components of her dish except that it was some French risotto she had never tasted anything more delicious in her life before. When a magnificently garnished piece of chocolate cake was placed in front of Izzie, she couldn't help the constant beaming on her face and Jake felt as though winning a prize.

**…**

Standing outside the main wooden door of Meredith's house, Izzie handed Jake the bouquet of flowers that he had hidden in the back seat of his car and gave it to Izzie after they got out of the restaurant. Izzie was impressed by his manners as he opened the car door for her and helped her in and out gentlemanly. There Stood Izzie at the doorstep as she fished for the keys in her purse in a short, tight green dress under her beige winter coat. Her long blond hair fell down her back and her heel made that extra mile. After Izzie placed the keys in the lock and before she could unlock it, a surprising, soft tug was felt and it had Izzie swivel to face Jake, not breaking eye contact it came clear to Izzie what he was about to do as he slowly inched closer and closer to her face.

A slight tremor of fear started in Izzie's stomach as her lips tightened and a dull red flush started at the base of her neck. Smirking to himself, he was quick to capitalize on her rising anxiousness as he pressed his lips on hers, taking her in a sweet kiss. It wasn't too long nor too short, just enough for Izzie to know what his lips tasted like.

"Good night," Jake breathed out after he pulled away, Izzie felt his breath on her lips before he handed her the flowers and walked towards his car. Izzie watched as he pulled his Lamborghini away before he drove off leaving her extremely shocked and incredibly satisfied.

Gathering her breath, Izzie summoned to unlock the door and walk in. She found Meredith sitting in the lounge room waiting for her after she put the kids to bed. Meredith was glad to see Izzie looking normal unlike the first date. Izzie silently walked over and joined Meredith on the couch and rested the bouquet on her lap.

"So, how was this one?" Meredith asked eagerly.

Izzie stared blankly as she recalled the night. Her eyes were sparking and she found herself licking her lips as she remembered the kiss she had just experienced a few minutes ago. Izzie blushed as a fluttery sensation in her stomach started and a big smile touched her lips before she answered,

"It was _perfect_."

...

And that's why I smile

It's been a while, since everyday and everything has felt this right

And now, you turn it all around, and suddenly you're all I need

The reason why I _smile_

* * *

**So, what do you think of this chapter? I wanted to write something light and I really would like to know if you liked it.**

**A\N: I might update the chapters sooner and then come back later to edit more, so I apologize in advance for any errors or changes.**

**As for Izzie's cancer, it is back but it's only ****Stage I so it isn't that serious and won't affect much in her life. It will of course, but it isn't something to worry so much about. It will be brought up but on later chapters.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing :)**


	5. Chapter 5 Breathe

When the sun rose, the coldness of the air conflicted with the heat of the sun rays that cleaved through the big windows and illuminated the room. Izzie felt the sunlight softly hit her hair that splayed over the pillow. Shivering as the cold air hit her exposed skin, Izzie snuggled into the bed. Her hand met with a cold mattress. Opening her eyes, she woke to an empty bed. She looked around the room to find it empty. Izzie let out a small groan, she wished she could wake up wrapped up in his arms, especially in this cold weather, but she woke up alone instead.

Izzie sighed as she remembered why she was here. Jake was the first guy Izzie had been with since she came back to Seattle. Izzie let her eyes flit the large, expensive bedroom and she was in a daze. The soft white walls and ceiling with variegated wood and earthy textured furniture that gave a pleasantly aesthetic. The window walls that invited light and the lively city skyline inside, by day and night. Jake's eclectic living space featured an intriguing mix of modernism and luxury and it would leave Izzie astonished every time. Izzie could totally get used to waking up to this every morning.

Jake was essentially a prestigious interior designer, he had studied with Hunt high school and then moved to England to pursue his studying and therefore gained the accent. Jake and Owen had kept in contact over the years and Owen even asked him to help with the hospital's newest design. He was actually the one who came up with the hospital's new GSMH logo.

Izzie sighed as she realized she had woken up before her alarm clock went off and decided to stay in bed instead of getting up. Izzie looked up at the ceiling as she fidgeted in the bed a little more, the plush cushions massaged her shoulders and the Satin duvet pampered every curve of her nude body. Izzie could easily admit it was the most comfortable bed she had ever slept on in her entire life. Jake's place was simply heaven.

Staring at the ceiling, Izzie started to drown in her thoughts. She liked Jake, he was practically every woman's dream. Handsome, rich, kind, cultivated and very mannerly. He treated her well, he took her to eat out every night and got her everything she wanted. He made her feel like the only girl in the world.

Contentment flooded Izzie's thoughts and she felt a smile creep on her face. This was exactly everything she had wished for. Izzie wondered if she had finally found the life she had always carved for. And with no doubt, Izzie could tell she had. It was a no brainer.

The sound of soft footsteps severed Izzie from her musings and she instantly shifted her gaze towards the door to see Jake nicely walking into the bedroom before she felt him sitting on the bed next to her lying, gently draped frame.

"Good morning sunshine!" Jake said too sweetly. His ringing good mood had her mood fixing if it hadn't already. Jake watched as Izzie laid her eyes on him and the smile on her face was literally heart stopping as her straight, white teeth glistened through the sunrays.

"Good morning," Izzie said as she shyly smiled back at him. Her smile not as bright as his smile but it was a smile nonetheless.

"Sorry I let you wake up alone. I wanted the breakfast ready as soon as you woke up," Jake kindly apologized, his accent was something Izzie would never get over. Izzie creased her brows at his words.

"No, don't be. It's fine. It's actually sweet. Thank you," Izzie said and Jake grinned instantly at her words. Jake's work started later than Izzie's, but he was nice enough to wake up before his time to make her breakfast. He was so sweet for Izzie's own good.

"I'll leave you now to take a morning shower and get dressed. By the way, I will come pick you up from work tonight, I have a surprise for you," Jake informed and Izzie couldn't help the surprised look on her face.

"A surprise?" Izzie said quizzically as she tilted her head a little forward and Jake nodded smirking. Izzie blushed scarlet, forcing herself to resist his blatant charm as he placed a kiss on her lips before he marched out of the room.

Izzie liked how Jake respected her personal space and didn't force her into doing anything. It was comfortable being with him. She had never been with someone so sophisticated before. Izzie couldn't wait to know what Jake had in stores for tonight, she couldn't help but feel excited. He had been taking her out around Seattle every chance they got since they started dating and Izzie was enjoying her time.

Jake didn't know it, but he did way more than just make Izzie smile again. He gave her the will to live again. What was the word to describe it? Hope. Jake gave her hope. Hope that not everyone is cruel. Hope for a new beginning. Hope for a new chance in life. Hope for a better future.

When Izzie first came back to Seattle, she thought that only Alex could give her the happy life she thought she would never get. But then Jake walked in and changed her perspective. He was making her forget about Alex and her past in general bit by bit. It was all Izzie needed, to forget about all that held her back from being happy. Izzie truly believed Jake was the elixir of her soul. It was about time Izzie forgot about Alex and moved on with her life.

...

When Meredith told Alex that Izzie started dating, he told her that he was glad she was doing well. He didn't lie, he was. Especially after he knew all about her unfortunate life in the past five years. Alex wanted nothing but for Izzie to find somebody who could make her happy.

When Meredith talked to Alex about it, she didn't verbally say it, but she gave him a 'Just stay out of her way' Look and Alex perceived it and tried to avoid interacting with Izzie as much as possible. Except for a few accidental glares as they passed or ran into each other, or few words they exchanged within work limit, they never went any further. Izzie was starting a new life with a new person and Alex didn't want to seem like a barrier in her way of finding happiness.

...

It was the beginning of the day and the elevators were usually busily riding up and down between floors at this time of the day as doctors, surgeons and staff were arriving and using the elevators to get them to their coveted destinations. Izzie had been standing in the same spot waiting for the elevator to come up for five minutes and she was starting to get weary of the seemingly endless waiting. Izzie sighed out heavily and rolled her eyes as she realized she had no choice but to take the stairs or she will stay on the same floor for the rest of the day. When Izzie turned away from the elevator, she smiled kindly to a fellow doctor and she smiled back before Izzie airily traipsed towards the staircase direction. Everybody in the hospital had noticed that Izzie looked more alive and throbbing with vitality than ever since she started dating.

Strolling lightly down the stairs, Izzie's convivial face disappeared and she felt grim at the sight of Alex as he walked inside the empty staircase and started climbing up the stairs. Izzie didn't want to make eye contact with him, but when they both were on the same step, she peered at him suspiciously and Alex cracked a smile when his gaze met hers.

Have you ever got that eerie feeling, that someone's gaze was constantly on you whenever you were in the same place? Like they were watching every movement you made until you left the spot? Izzie had been having that feeling towards Alex since the day she revealed her past to him. Izzie felt her body start to react to the feelings she was having and with no preamble, Izzie found herself pausing after she left the last step of the stairs before she roared,

"Stop it, Alex! Just stop!"

Izzie's growl that echoed through the staircase deterred Alex's foot from taking the next step and he froze on the middle of the stairs, not that far behind from Izzie. When Alex turned around, he saw the rage blazing through Izzie's eyes and her fists were balled tightly. The sight of Izzie's furious stance struck Alex with confusion and his eyebrows twitched. He could tell there was something bothering her, but he had no idea what.

"You don't have to do this. When I told you about my past, I wasn't asking for your pity or mercy or expecting any sympathy, I don't need it. And _don't_ you dare use that against me, Alex. My life isn't something you joke about. So please, save your pity looks for someone who needs them because I don't," Izzie wrathfully warned with a sense of defense in her tone and Alex could feel the puzzled look on his face as he was trying to comprehend what she just said.

Since their confrontation, the day Izzie revealed to Alex the worst, most agonizing years of her life and counted her failures to him, Izzie noticed that Alex's glance tended to linger on her and Izzie was starting to feel as though she was some type of new creature that was just discovered and now she was under scrutiny by him as he seemed to always give her a sympathetic smile. Alex looks caused her to reproach herself with neglect. Izzie could take verbal pummeling form Meredith and Cristina, but she couldn't take silent looks from Alex. Pity was a shame, strength will pull through if she let it.

The second Izzie stopped talking, a progressive silence rose in the air. For some reason, mostly to save her dignity, Izzie didn't wait for Alex's response. If anything, she didn't want to hear whatever he wanted to say; avoiding any potential fights.

Alex watched as Izzie instantly turned away and headed for the door in hard, long strides. He wanted to say something, but he was reluctant as Meredith's warning popped in his head. Nevertheless, Alex was determined to rectify the misunderstanding he had with Izzie and he knew this was his only chance. Alex savvied that he had to stay away from Izzie as much as possible, but at the same time he needed to talk to her. Just as Izzie's hand made contact with the door handle and was about to turn it open, Alex was quick to stop her and Izzie instantly felt her movement halt at hearing the sound of Alex's raspy voice uttering the words,

"I don't."

Izzie didn't turn around to face him, she just stood there facing the door, her gaze was downcast and she kept her grasp tight around the door handle, ready to turn it open as soon as she started hearing anything she didn't want to hear. She had a new life and she was done with Alex. She had said what she wanted to say and was ready to close Alex's chapter, forever. Alex felt himself reluctant to talk, but Izzie's motionless position encouraged him enough to proceed with his negation.

"I don't look at you with pity or mercy," Alex declared, furrowing his brows and slowly shaking his head.

"I'm just_ impressed_ of how strong you are! You've practically been through hell after you left here and before you left, I know all about it, _Iz_. You've survived all of it and you're still standing on your feet, that's not an easy thing to do. Most people collapse at the first sight of trouble," Alex declared, his voice was silky smooth and Izzie was listening to him in stunned silence.

"You might be a runner, but you're also a fighter,"

Alex jokingly larked and Izzie couldn't help the small twitch of her mouth at his joking that quickly disappeared. Izzie could feel the stream slowly seep through her ears at the sound of his voice revealing the pent up anger.

"And the cancer, I'm sorry it's back, but I'm sure you'll beat it again like you did the first time," Alex sincerely heartened and Izzie closed her eyes tightly.

_I beat the cancer the first time because of you._

Those were words Izzie never spoke out loud, only kept in her head. Izzie was thankful she faced her back to Alex so he couldn't see her eyes glimmer. Izzie tried hard to keep her breathing steady as his impassioned words pierced her ears.

"When I look at you, I'm not detracting you, Izzie. I'm just impressed."

When Alex stopped talking, Izzie stood still for a second; absorbing his words. She didn't turn around to face him, nor she said a word. Instead, Izzie opened her eyes as she let out a small, quiet breath and turned on the door handle, opened the door and left hurriedly in silence.

...

When Alex left the staircase, he knew exactly where he wanted to go, he just didn't believe his legs would take him there until he was standing in front of the patient room that was Izzie's nearly five years ago.

Alex stood outside the immemorial room, the door was open and the windows were un-blind. The room was empty and Alex supposed the patient had probably gone to do an MRI or some other scan. The void gave Alex more interval to think. Alex felt complacency instantly swarm his guts as he remembered all what he had said to Izzie. Not a single lie he said. Alex told Izzie only the truth. This was the first time he told her how he really felt. All the anger and discontent he held when she was first back no longer existed. It was now replaced by serene empathy and even more impression and admiration.

Alex had been feeling this way since Izzie came back and after she revealed her past, the feelings started to agitate however he kept them all caged in and hid them by his cruel façade. Alex never spoke those feelings out until today. And when he did, he felt as though he freed them away and his heart was simultaneously freed with them too. Alex would not walk away and let Izzie carry the wrong impression about him anymore. He was glad he cleared the air but mostly cleared his conscience.

Alex automatically began reminiscing at the sight of the quondam room. Alex's gaze swivelled over the empty room and he felt a small smile break on his face when he remembered how Izzie covered those pale walls with wedding pictures. She had turned the room into a wedding exhibit for Meredith and Derek's wedding which unexpectedly turned out to be theirs. Alex was startled out of his own thoughts and he quickly shook the thoughts away. He had always rejected any thought connected to their wedding. It was just too much for his heart to take.

Alex looked absent as he stared despondently at the faded paint on the walls through the windows and he felt his heart swell at the memories. This room held so many memories of them together. Distressing memories indeed, but they only had their relationship grow stronger before everything fell apart.

Glancing at the messy, untidy bed, Alex remembered the first night Izzie spent in the hospital as a cancer patient. It was probably the hardest night of his life. He was still shocked from the news and he couldn't imagine going home without her. Alex shook his head as he tried to get rid of the dolorous memories.

Searching for an instant distraction to his wayward thoughts of far less happier things, Alex wished he could tell Izzie that, despite the cancer, he was more than happy and relieved to see her alive and still practicing medicine. He felt proud of her. She got herself through a lot without him. Alex still cared about Izzie and was glad she had made it this far in her life. He couldn't imagine being angry with her after he knew she was battling cancer again, he was just grateful she was alive.

As the cancer broke into his thoughts, Alex wondered how well this new guy Izzie was dating knew about being in a relationship with a cancer patient. He wondered if he knew the time of her pills, what she had to eat after treatment, what time she liked to go to bed and how she liked to sleep if she was tired. Alex already knew all these things about her, what she liked, what bothered her and what didn't. Alex was there for her and he felt like he was still partly responsible. But knowing Izzie and her past cancer experience didn't filch the fact that he wouldn't be the one to get Izzie through it this time. Izzie was no longer his and Alex had to live with the fact that another guy was going to get Izzie through her cancer, not him.

Alex sighed out when he realized that standing here and reminiscing about the past won't get him anywhere, he had work to get back to. As Alex started walking away from the room, he felt his lips twitch when he remembered that Izzie didn't turn around to face him when he was talking to her. She didn't let him see her face and witness her reaction.

But he didn't need to. Alex knew exactly how Izzie felt towards his declaration. He understood why she didn't let him see her face; she knew he could read her like a book. Alex naturally knew how Izzie would feel in such situations, especially if she remained silent and preferred to leave. He also knew that if they were together, usually if Izzie was lost at a response, she probably would have kissed him. Alex felt his body tense at the thought and he quickly dispelled it. Alex knew her very well. He just knew Izzie like the back of his hand.

Izzie will always be 'Iz' to Alex, she never stopped.

...

_I'm still 'Iz' to Alex?_

This was the first thought to ever lodge in Izzie's head after she walked out of the staircase. Izzie felt her heart beat, her throat went dry and she swallowed hard. A sense of fear started to lurk inside Izzie until she felt a crunch in her stomach. The thought ingrained in her, calling commotion to her emotions. But Izzie forcibly pushed the thought aside as she walked into the attending's lounge. Today Izzie would not be doing surgery, she would only be finishing paper work.

Izzie sat at the table after she placed the pile of files next to her. She picked up the first file, opened it, grabbed a pen and started filling in the required blanks. Only a few minutes and of course Izzie's mind drifted right back to what Alex had said earlier.

Izzie tried to block his words from entering her heart but it was a failed attempt. Izzie found his statement dig at her insides in a way she wasn't expecting. She was definitely touched by his words and she knew she was the one to blame. She tried to start a fight with him again by her wrong assumptions. She knew she should stop observing every move or glance he did. She should stop obsessively thinking about it and just drop it, but her strong-mindedness stickled like it did before.

Izzie sighed as she looked down at the file under her hand. She had not even finished the first one and she knew she was swamped with paper work. Izzie groaned out into the silence as she looked around the empty room. The last thing she wanted to do today was sit alone in a quiet room. It would give her more opportune space to think about Alex's statement but it was to be expected, her luck was never on her side anyway. Izzie blew out a breath and got back to the pile of files next to her.

Against her will, Izzie's thoughts kept drifting back to Alex's words. Izzie leaned back in the chair with a faraway look on her face. She thought it was going to be easy, just tell him to stop looking at her that way and walk out. Little did she know it was going to open her eyes more for Alex. The ringing sincerity at the end of every sentence he spoke had Izzie's heart to clench in surprise and it pushed the last bit of anger she had for him far, far away.

Izzie was so caught up on her thoughts she had not realized everything taking place around her until she heard the sound of liquid sloshing and she suddenly snapped back and started blinking fast to see that another doctor had walked into the room and started pouring coffee into a cup. Izzie sat up straight and immediately grabbed the pen and started scrawling things down. Izzie hoped secretly that the doctor hadn't noticed her bizarre behavior.

Izzie watched as the doctor clutched the cup and walked out in silence and it reminded her of her silence towards Alex. Izzie couldn't find the right words to paint the picture of her heart, of how she really felt about what he said. Or maybe she could, but she couldn't say it. What Izzie truly felt about his words was something she couldn't confess, not after she had found someone else and moved on. The best way was to hide and disguise thousand of words and emotions and go on with her new life.

Izzie felt this overwhelming feeling because so many thoughts were running through her head considering she had never had anyone approach her musings the way Alex did, so she decided to get up and walk towards the coffee machine. After Izzie filled a mug and picked it up, she took a sip as she walked back to the table and she directly closed her eyes, taking in the sweet, bitter taste of coffee.

As Izzie sat down on the chair, she sighed out and wondered how much truth his statement held. Izzie was all about the truth, but the truth could be exhausting. Suddenly the truth hit her. Izzie didn't need to see Alex's face to know how much he meant the words he said, the compassion in his eyes passed through his voice and made its way to Izzie's heart. She was sure he had that small, proud smile while he was talking. The warmth in his words warmed her insides, it was clearly audible in his tone.

It was a tone Izzie knew very well. A tone she only heard when he reassured her that everything was going to be all right. That she will survive the cancer, or when he used to tell he how beautiful she was. His tone was slightly rusty but extremely sincere. A chill ran down Izzie's spine and she became very self conscious. It scared her how much she remembered about him. She still recognized his purport from his voice tone. She just knew Alex like the back of her hand. At hearing her own thoughts, Izzie shut her eyes tight, thinking she must be a fool before she started writing again.

Izzie had finished a few files before she tore her gaze off, let the pen fall on the papers and rubbed her head. Alex's statement started to haunt her. Izzie felt like Alex was the reason she became this strong and the reason she defeated her cancer the first time. He was the reason she was alive right now when he neglected the DNR she had signed after she died in his arms. He was the reason for mostly everything in her life. If it wasn't for Alex, Izzie wouldn't be sumptuously enjoying Jake's prosperity right now. Izzie felt like she _owed_ him her life. The realization hit Izzie like a double whammy and she started feeling uneasy, but she quickly shook her head and took in a deep breath before she dropped her gaze and started scribbling, exploiting the distraction.

Izzie was glad she had managed to finish all the paper work before the day ended. Izzie closed the last file, leaned back in her chair and started tilting her head to the right and cracking her knuckles. Before Izzie could tilt her head to the left, her massaging movements were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing and she abruptly opened her eyes. Izzie gripped her phone and a smile instantly broke on her face at the sight of the caller ID. Izzie's smile grew bigger as she remembered the surprise and she quickly slid the phone open and answered,

"Hi Jake."

...

The past defined who Izzie was right now. The mistakes she had made were a long, rough road. She had made a lot of bad decisions, got lost along the way, doubled back, got lost some more, and ended up on a dead end street. Izzie was not proud of herself for all those mistakes, but she knew that everyone had their own journey.

But somewhere while she was wandering around, contemplating where her future was going, how her past affected her present, a new person found her and promised to make her forget about it all. But Izzie didn't have to choose, she just had to let her heart lead her and she would blindly follow it wherever it went; because it would only lead her to the right place, to her _Home_.

**...**

And we know it's never simple, never easy.  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

And I can't _breathe_ without you, But I _have to_.

* * *

**I am sorry the update was late, but I was really busy. So, not much happened in this chapter, but it's the starting point ;)**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing :)**


	6. Chapter 6 Sad Song

Not everybody likes mornings, most people wake up with a scowl on their faces and wishing for an IV drip of coffee, while other people are chipper just as the sun is coming up; they are happier and more satisfied with life overall. Well, let's just say Alex was not quite the person you wanted to talk to first thing in the morning.

...

"Hey," Stephanie said with a ringing voice as she bounced on her feet, interrupting Alex's concentration while reading his patient's chart on the iPad. Alex did not look up at her, though.

"Hmm," Alex murmured, implying that she should pursue with her speaking without him having to look at her face and Stephanie rolled her eyes before she spoke anyway.

"Did you ask her?" Stephanie asked enthusiastically.

"No," Alex simply said with his head down and his fingers tapping on the touch screen and Stephanie's eyes grew wider.

"What? What did we agree on? Do you wanna blow the whole thing off?" Stephanie squeaked disapprovingly. She heard Alex huff before he finally lifted his head and looked at her.

"You go ask her," Alex demanded and he heard Stephanie let out an exaggerated laugh.

"Do you really think she's gonna listen to me? Like you just had a conversation with me without even looking at my face," Stephanie sneered, using his actions towards her to get her point across. Alex looked away from her and sighed heavily.

"Fine." was all Alex gave her before he placed the iPad on its stand on the counter next to him and unwillingly started walking away. Alex preferred not to see the victorious, ear-to-ear grin that appeared on Stephanie's face.

...

After walking out of the elevator, Alex asked a random nurse if she had seen Dr. Stevens. Following the nurse's directions, Alex halted away when he found Izzie standing randomly in the middle of the hospital, like she was heading somewhere but abruptly stopped to check her phone. People vigorously walked past and around her but she didn't seem to be aware. Alex watched Izzie from afar thumbing fast on her phone, smiling after a moment and thumbing again. He assumed she was texting someone and form his corner, she looked delighted.

Swallowing, Alex sucked in a breath and steeled himself before reluctantly walking over to Izzie and standing in front of her, keeping so much space like he was afraid to get closer. To grab her attention, Alex cleared his throat as he stuffed his hands in his lab coat pockets and Izzie directly looked up from her phone.

"Good morning," Alex said, his voice was a little shaky, like he had not cleared his throat properly. Izzie stood frozen for a second, rather surprised and a slight cough came out of Alex's mouth as he cleared his throat again.

"Hey," Izzie said with a small smile and she watched a nervous smile appear on Alex's face at her word. Izzie tried not to sound so surprised; this was the first time Alex had greeted her in the morning since they stopped talking and she wasn't sure what to think of it. Izzie lowered her hand as she felt her phone vibrate in it; attempting to pay full attention to Alex while trying to zone out of the possible reply in Jake's next text message.

"Uh, Can I ask you a favor?" Alex hesitantly asked. Izzie could hear the restrain in his voice. He didn't look directly her way and she frowned at him.

"Sure," Izzie said slowly bunching her brows slightly and wondering what kind of favor Alex would ever ask her. Hollowing his chest and pulling it back, Alex threw a casual glance over his shoulder before he looked back at Izzie, his eyes were dancing to every corner. Alex preferred not to look directly at Izzie while asking her the inevitable question.

"Uhh, I'm throwing a surprise party for Jo and I don't want her to know about it. She's on your service so I need you to keep her busy all day until she gets home."

As soon as the words left Alex's mouth, he realized how wrong they sounded. Alex felt the tension hit every muscle of his body and he swallowed. At the mention of Jo's name, Izzie felt an unexpected gut wrench and she squeezed her hand around her phone.

"Okay, I will," Izzie replied flatly and without a smile. She didn't look directly at Alex and turned to her phone as soon as she was done with her reply.

Alex could tell he had made her feel uneasy and instantly started feeling the guilt and frustration hover inside. He never wanted to put Izzie in such situation. He made sure she was not angry at him anymore and was working on fixing their friendship. But by doing this, Alex felt like he demolished everything he had been trying to build. When Alex opened his mouth again to speak, he was hoping the words that denoted inviting Izzie to the party would come out.

"Uh, Thank you."

Alex felt disappointed at the words he uttered. He looked her way, but Izzie kept her gaze on her phone. Alex hesitated for a second before he turned and walked away. He only released the breath he was holding until he felt like he was far enough from Izzie.

After Alex walked away, Izzie stood there staring mindlessly at her phone.

_Wow, he's throwing her a surprise birthday party! He must really like her._

Izzie knew she should not be angry that he had already found someone, but she was. Since Izzie left, Alex did nothing but sleep with women to fill her place and the void and hurt she caused in him. And falling in love with one of them was just a matter of time. Izzie shouldn't really blame him for falling in love because she was not there after all.

Izzie let out a sigh as she sent a text message ending the conversation she was having with Jake. But before she could turn her phone off and slid it in her lab coat pocket, it vibrated in her hand and Izzie retrieved it and glanced to final a text from Jake reminding her of tonight. Izzie felt a big grin develop as soon as she read the message and it made her instantly forget about Alex and his girlfriend. Izzie felt the excitement flood her. At the end of her shift, she would be getting ready to spend the night for the first time with all her favorite people. Izzie couldn't wait.

* * *

After Izzie finished curling her hair and applying her makeup, she was ready to leave the room, but instead, she felt the need to spray more perfume over her again. Izzie nervously ran her hand through her curls and smoothed out her dress. Izzie looked down at her attire. A sleeveless tight, short black dress with a sweetheart neckline and golden lace detailing, black strappy stilettos and she had a golden clutch to add to it. Izzie could only be thankful that her dress was tight enough to hug her body and accentuate her curves.

Izzie looked at her reflection in the mirror and felt like she didn't look like herself. Izzie let out a breath as she felt her shoulders slump. She had never once been concerned with the way she looked. Especially while dating men, she knew her curvy body and tall legs would knock off any guy's socks. But with Jake, he was a prestigious man and she worried that those were her moments to impress him. Taking her eyes off her copied image in the mirror, Izzie couldn't help but remember how easy being with Alex was. They were friends and worked in scrubs all day and Alex didn't care whatever she wore. There was no hiding behind fancy clothes and perfumes to get his attention.

Izzie shook her head back and forth and forced her head off these thoughts. She shouldn't be thinking of Alex, not after what he had asked her this morning. Izzie couldn't fathom where all this self-doubt came from. She took in a deep breath to calm her nerves. Forcing herself, Izzie smiled her most confident grin to herself in the mirror. She will not allow any self-doubt slither its way into her psyche. Not today.

...

As soon as Alex was done with his work, he changed and headed to the hospital exit so he could get home before Jo did to prepare for the surprise. Walking, Alex glanced Meredith and Cristina who were elegantly dressed up and waiting near the attending's lounge and he walked over to their direction.

"Hey, If you were going to my place, you can come with me, I'm going now," Alex offered as soon as he approached them. He watched as Meredith and Cristina exchanged a few looks before they answered him.

"Oh, no. We're actually not coming to Jo's birthday party," Meredith said in a rather faltering voice and Alex's eyebrows furrowed instantly.

"What? Why?" Alex asked in surprise.

"Uh, Izzie's boyfriend invited us for dinner tonight," Meredith informed, avoiding to look Alex in the eye.

"But I asked you before Izzie was even here and you told me you would come," Alex reminded as his glare went to Cristina's way and traveled back to Meredith's and Meredith shamefully looked away.

"Do you really think we would turn down Izzie's dinner to be with your girlfriend?" Cristina asked matter-of-factly and Alex looked taken back a little.

"Honestly, I'm glad the dinner is tonight because I never wanted to go to an intern's party anyway," Cristina added and Alex felt his temper raise and the anger and resentment building inside of him as he noticed her brusque tone.

"Look, I'm starting to get really pissed off at the way you talk about Jo. You don't like her because she's an intern, I get it. But that doesn't mean you talk about her like that. She's honest and smart and I love her, Okay?" Alex defended as he threw one hand in the air. When he was done, Alex tried to keep his composure as he watched Cristina's blatant eye roll.

"Please, you've known the girl for like what? Ten minutes?" Cristina quipped, pulling an effortless mocking smirk.

"We've known Izzie since we were interns. So, don't get your knickers in such a twist but we're not coming," Cristina retorted, defending their decision and making sense of his irrational prejudice.

Alex sighed out and looked away from Cristina, he never wanted to have such conversation with his friends. He never needed anyone to remind him how well he knew Izzie or who she used to be to him. Alex was aware that he sounded ridiculous, but the truth of the matter was that Izzie had hurt him in a way Jo or any other woman had not. Alex knew that saying this could possibly jeopardize their friendship but he felt like he needed to say it. After he let out a breath, and decided what he wanted to say, Alex looked back at Cristina before he spoke.

"Jo was there when Izzie wasn- "

"Guys, do you think this dress looks good? Because I'm not sure."

Meredith and Cristina immediately turned around at the sound of Izzie's voice to see her walking out of the attending's lounge and towards them while her head was down as she was nervously straightening her dress. Izzie stopped between Meredith and Cristina, completely unaware that Alex was standing in front of her, only a few steps away.

When Izzie lifted her glare from her dress, it was unexpectedly met by Alex and Izzie promptly felt her eyes widen, a slight gasp escaped her lips and her shoulders came up as she took a step backwards before she froze in her track. Izzie saw Alex's lips close together, like he was saying something but refrained. His jaw hardened slightly and his lips grew taut and Izzie felt her body tense and her heartbeat rising up.

As she stood facing Alex, Izzie let her glance travel over him, from head to toe. She saw him in a dark pair of jeans, a light grey shirt that he had left the two buttons at the top of undone and black shoes, as if he was proving her thoughts earlier somehow. His hair was neatly done and he looked undeniably attractive, his simplicity and casualness were so appealing. A tingly feeling overcame Izzie's body and she felt her cheeks heat in an instant.

Alex did the same, letting his glance take an overview at Izzie's perfect body that she had revealed a lot of in this dress. She looked absolutely incredible, his memories of her didn't do her justice. She was as beautiful as ever and Alex literally swallowed the lump in his throat. As if they were in synch, they both lifted their gaze at the same time and their eyes harshly collided.

They held their gaze for a moment, both staring directly and sharply at each other's eyes. Each one trying to dissect the other one's eyes in hope to uncover the secrets they had imprisoned and the unspoken words they had hushed. They had been avoiding looking directly at each other's eyes because they knew their eyes would bare their souls. And this was a chance to somewhat unveil the rays they had obscured.

Even though Izzie had blinked her fanned lashes a few times, Alex stared at her unblinkingly, looking rather mesmerized form seeing her like this after all these years. Alex didn't blink once, like he was afraid she would disappear if he did so. Izzie looked into Alex's eyes, they were beautiful and lukewarm. Izzie felt her shoulders sag and her heartbeat slew down the longer she stared at his eyes.

Breaking the connection after an unintelligible moment of silence which their eyes didn't hear, Alex tore his glare off Izzie's eyes and turned to Meredith before he sliced the eerie silence and spoke.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Alex said in a low voice as he shoved his hands into his pants pockets before he turned around and began to amble away.

Izzie stood there, her eyes hadn't relaxed as she kept her gaze on Alex even though she could only see his back. She watched as he got further and smaller while he walked with his hands in his pockets and his head slightly tilted down. His eyes were something Izzie was still trying to decipher.

"What were you saying?" Meredith asked. Izzie didn't want to rend her gaze from Alex until he was completely gone, but she had to answer Meredith.

"Um. I, Nothing," Izzie stammered out as she turned to Meredith, her voice was equally as quiet to Alex's and she shook her head slightly.

"Okay then. Let's go. We don't wanna be late," Meredith announced before they all turned and started walking to the attending's lounge to get their sweaters and purses before they headed out to their dinner and Izzie meekly followed them.

* * *

"Thank you. You are the _best_ boyfriend in the world," Jo squeaked jubilantly through the glaring music and loud noises as she approached Alex who was sitting alone on a chair at a corner of the house before she crouched down, balancing her party hat by her hand and pressed her lips on Alex's. After she pulled back, Jo could smell his beer breath and Alex only smiled at her before he brought his beer bottle up to his mouth.

"Hey!" Alex protested scowling as Jo pulled the beer bottle out of his hand as soon as it touched his lips.

"You've been drinking before the party even started," Jo stated, a slightly concerned look appeared on her face.

"So? I pay for it. Give it back," Alex demanded. It was obvious that he was in a sour mood and needed his drink.

"I'm sorry, I love you but I think it's enough drinking for you tonight," Jo shouted as she stumbled backwards and away from Alex after Stephanie grabbed her arm and started pulling her for a dance. Alex watched as Jo took a mouthful of his beer bottle before she thrusted it to one of her friends and started dancing as soon as she reached the dance floor.

Alex sighed out as he let his glare travel around the house. The rubbery balloons that said 'Happy Birthday Jo', the decorative lighting, cheesy decorations and the scattered confetti from when they surprised her when she first walked in. Jo's friends really wanted to go all out for her birthday party. Alex glanced at the kitchen and saw empty beer bottles, spilled drinks paper plates and cake everywhere. Alex turned his gaze to the middle of the house that magically had turned into a dancing floor. People were screaming, laughing and dancing as the loud music glared around the house and throbbed in his ears. Alex watched Jo doing graceful twists and turns along with the beat of the music with her friends, her smile was mildly rejuvenating and Alex couldn't help the twitch in his mouth, the sight of her being happy made him feel happy and content.

Alex sighed, it was never his idea. When Stephanie and Leah proposed the idea to him, he was hesitant but meekly agreed just because it was for Jo. He had never done something like this before to anyone and to see Jo happy felt like it was worth it.

Alex scanned the people in the house and only Jo popped out to him among this number of people. Despite Jo's friends and a few faces he had seen in the hospital, no one really mattered to him except Jo. Alex couldn't recognize most of the people in his house. His people were not here. They were at another place having fun together. Alex didn't feel like himself, he felt lonely and weird in his own house. Alex shook his head as he got up and started walking towards the door.

After bumping into a few people, pressing against and walking past others, Alex managed to make it outside of the house. He didn't know Jo's friends were going to invite this many people. Alex sat on the swing outside the house. He could still hear the noises and blaring music, but it was a lot lower than being inside. Alex felt the cool breeze swirl around him and he shivered slightly. Besides the fact that it was crowded and warm inside, Alex wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and he forgot to grab his jacket.

Alex sat back in the swing and lifted his glare up to the sky. He saw the stars randomly splayed and glistening among the black sky. The weak, remote light that radiated from the moon and stars loomed over him. They looked so close, yet so _far away_.

_Just like Izzie._

Immediately, Izzie's image standing in that hot dress in front of him emerged in his head. Perfection looked at him and it killed him. But her big, beautiful brown eyes that always radiated hope and life now looked empty and it killed him more.

When Alex threw harsh words at Izzie, he only was trying to protect his relationship with Jo. After Izzie, Alex wasn't sure if he could find someone to love again. Jo was the first woman he fell in love with and declared his love to since Izzie. And so he was ensuring Izzie was not endangering the only relationship he had finally built after Izzie had destroyed everything they had.

Alex began contemplating his decision. He was surely happy to see Jo happy. But he also never wanted to make Izzie feel bad. He never wanted Izzie involved in this and he never wanted to hurt her. Even though Alex was fully aware Izzie was dating someone else, he still didn't want her to know about this, but reality played out against his wishes. Alex sighed out and ran a hand through his hair, nonchalantly ruffling it as he realized it was a situation he couldn't ultimately change.

Alex couldn't help but wonder what Izzie was doing right now. He sincerely hoped she was having a good time. Though, Alex wasn't worried about her; she had Meredith, Cristina, Owen and Derek. Undeniably, Alex was upset that they broke their promise and ditched his party, yet he couldn't help but feel forgiving about the reason. Every time Alex remembered they had ditched Jo's birthday party to be with Izzie, the anger in him subsided.

Alex tore his blank stare off the sky and darted his eyes around him, he was sitting outside of his house alone. Not inside celebrating his girlfriend's birthday, nor having fun with his friends. Alex couldn't help but blame himself for turning his friends into teams and cliques. If he hadn't fought with Izzie and treated her like crap since she arrived, they all probably would have been having dinner together right now. His temper was always his toughest enemy. It always caused him trouble that ended up with regret.

Alex blew a warm breath into the palms of his hands and rubbed them together. Alex didn't have any intentions of going back inside. Instead, he slouched back against the swing, folded his arms over his chest, brought his gaze up to the sky again and waited for time to pass until he could go to bed.

...

After Izzie let out a squawk at Owen's joke, she calmed herself to take a sip of wine from her glass. The dinner was fantastic, the night had been so much fun. From telling jokes and funny stories, to Owen and Jake recalling memories from the past and Cristina throwing comical comments about them. the laughter was continuous and there was never a dull moment.

When Jake told her he had arranged a dinner with Owen and she could invite her friends, Izzie was overflowed with happiness. Izzie loved spending time with Jake, but he was rather a quiet person and fun always happened when she was with her friends.

Izzie glanced at Jake who was excitedly reminiscing with Owen about their heroic football team back in high school. He was holding his wine glass in one hand and using his other hand while talking, and the rest on the table seemed to be enjoying his story. Jake had been holding her hand all night. He looked nice and Izzie felt a bashful smile form on her face.

Izzie took a glance of the place around her. The low-hanging lights, the flower centerpieces, the paintings and the chandeliers. The restaurant was incredible. And even though it was a little late, they couldn't adjourn their frolic night. All around her, there were still people talking, laughing and enjoying their food.

Izzie brought her gaze back to her table and stared silently at her wine glass while running her finger around the rim of her glass. There was a small ringing sound coming from the glass which only Izzie could hear before it faded quickly into the loud voices of her surrounding. Izzie zoned out the sound of knives scraping on plates, people murmuring and laughing over the soft music that was playing. With the flickering candlelight, Izzie's mind wandered back to Alex as he stood before her. Recalling the moment caused her mood to reverse as she remembered the look in his eyes.

It was a cross between seeing something he was scared of, but at the same time seeing something that was incredible. Something he had always wanted to see, but wished he hadn't. His mysterious eyes, wherein dark orbs reside, showed a glimpse of the _past_ which he tried to hide. His hazel eyes exposed what his heart was trying to mask. From the moment they'd met, Alex had haunted her with the shadows of unspoken secrets in _his_ eyes, half-shuttered windows to a turbulent soul. But Izzie could see through.

Izzie glanced at Jake as he placed his glass of wine less than delicately on the table while he listened carefully to Derek talking and realized she couldn't read his eyes, not the way she could read Alex's effortlessly. _Or maybe not yet_, she thought to herself. Izzie tried to regain that composure that had been slipping since her idea of hope. Jake was her present and hopefully her _future_ and Izzie hoped she will be able to read his eyes the way she could read Alex's one day. Izzie closed her eyes and inhaled a breath that came out as a smile before she joined in the laughter.

...

Without you, I feel broke.  
Like I'm half of a whole.  
Without you, I've got no hand to hold.  
Without you, I feel torn.  
Like a sail in a storm.  
Without you, I'm just a _Sad Song_.

* * *

**Tell me how did you like this chapter.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing :)**


	7. Chapter 7 Let Me Go

After taking his daily, refreshing morning shower, Alex walked into his bedroom full dressed to find Jo standing in front of her closet in a black lacy lingerie, with her head tilted to the side and narrowed eyes while tapping her index finger against her lips in indecision of what to wear for work today. Alex found himself walking towards her, placing his hands around her tiny waist and started playfully kissing on her neck and Jo rolled her eyes.

"Stop, you're gonna leave a hickey mark on my neck again," Jo flirtatiously warned as she giggled and Alex simply didn't stop. Letting out a loud laugh at his tickling, Jo grabbed for his arm, tugging him towards the wall, thinking it was better not to respond to that at all.

* * *

Alex tried not to look so obviously strained as he stood by his patient's incubator anxiously waiting for Izzie to bring her patient who was eager to see her first baby for the first time after Alex had operated on her and was observing the little girl's recovery. Wheeling her patient into the NICU, Alex could feel his heartbeat quicken as the squeak of the wheelchair was getting closer and closer to him. The moment Izzie reached the desirable incubator and halted her patient's wheelchair near by it, Alex quickly turned his attention to the baby, feeling strangely rattled by her presence. After explaining the current medical condition the baby was in to his mother, the woman couldn't wait any longer to ask the long awaited question.

"Can I hold my baby?" The emotional woman eagerly asked.

"Sure," Alex replied and a mix of relieved, excited and nervous smile instantly developed on the woman's face.

After unhooking a couple of wires off the baby's body, Alex opened the incubator's door and carefully scooped the tiny human in his big hands. When the baby was completely out of the small, safe world and out in the big, cold one, Alex slowly turned to find Izzie standing near him, implying that it would be better if she was the one to deliver the baby to his mother. Alex directly understood Izzie's gesture, even though he had practically kept the woman's baby alive, she would want Izzie to be the one to hand it to her for the first time. Alex knew how strong Izzie could establish her relationships with her patients that they wanted her involved in everything.

Alex watched as Izzie flipped her hair over her shoulder and extended her arms to take the baby and he tried to keep his gaze on the little girl as she got closer to him. Izzie gently placed her hands under the baby as it was still in Alex's arms to avoid dropping it. As he slowly and carefully slid his hands from under the baby, he felt Izzie's hands graze his and his hands spontaneously twitched at her touch. The hands encounter felt foreign; Alex was thankful the baby was already in Izzie's hands or else he would have probably yanked his arms away and dropped the baby.

Alex saw a sweet smile appear on Izzie's face as she held the baby and carefully walked towards the woman who had been waiting on pins and needles to finally see her baby. Izzie carefully placed the little baby in his mother's arms after she instructed her the right way to hold her. Holding her first baby for the first time in her arms, the look on the woman's face was very difficult for words to describe. Tears of joy filled the woman's eyes as she stared in total elation at her beloved baby. The woman was totally amazed by the perfection of this little treasure and the fact that she had nurtured it all these months.

Alex watched as Izzie crouched down next to the woman and started discussing the possible names for the little bundle of joy she was holding in her arms. He was not a part of that conversation, yet he remained standing there listening to their light fluff with an undeniable tender hunch and he found himself staring at Izzie.

Alex had watched Izzie do surgery a few times before and he was immensely impressed. He watched her cutting, sawing, patching and piecing, with the enthusiasm of an accomplished surgical seamstress; explaining the process in scientific terms to the interns, meantime; which, of course, was immensely cheering and helpful. Alex hoped Izzie didn't notice him staring at her, but she was acting pretty normal so he dismissed the thought and continued staring.

Alex remembered when Jo got on Izzie's service for the first time, they were both anxious and expecting arguments, problems and awkward situations, but he was surprised when Jo came back home one day to tell him what an amazing person and teacher Izzie was. She treated her very kindly and taught her new, interesting things in addition to letting her assist in surgery while all of the other attendings only let her observe. Jo even teased Alex to learn something from his _ex-wife_ teaching skills and it only made Alex remember well that Izzie had always been a good teacher.

Alex couldn't deny the fact that Izzie was really beautiful, smart and funny in a quiet kind of way. She had a very big heart and loved helping others and being there for her patients, friends or whoever needed her. Those were all qualities Alex had admired about Izzie and drew him to her in the first place.

Izzie was aware of Alex's fixed stare at her and she felt an annoyance flicker inside her. Even though Alex had declared his innocent intentions behind it, it still made Izzie feel uncomfortable and vexed. Leaving the fascinated woman with her baby, Alex noticed Izzie walking towards him in steady steps and he was promptly alarmed. Alex could feel his face heating up and he swallowed. He saw as Izzie stood in front of him before she started.

"Dr. Karev, why don't you go now and come back later. I'll page you if I needed anything," Izzie offered solemnly, there was a glint of confidence in her stance. Alex stared at her for a couple of seconds, realizing the real, hidden purpose behind her request before he gave one swift shake at his head and excused. Izzie watched Alex walk towards the doors of the NICU until he was gone and she closed her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief before walking back to her patient and her baby.

Alex was instantly aware that he had made Izzie feel uncomfortable and she wanted to dismiss him since he had nothing to do but stand and stare at her. She was right. Alex needed to stop making the situations more strained than they already were. Although he knew that Izzie wasn't livid at him, which he could see in her face, her eyes didn't hold any anger or resentment anymore, Alex knew he still made her feel uneasy for some reason.

Alex loathed the fact that they still had that uneasiness and awkwardness around each other. Alex wanted to be friends with Izzie and get closer to her in case she needed anything. He wasn't intending to intrude in her relationship or anything, he had a relationship of his own, but he felt the need to sap the walls between them a little so if Izzie needed help, he would know of it and be there. Just because they weren't together anymore, didn't mean that Alex couldn't offer help if Izzie needed it.

Alex was still feeling qualm and blamed himself for what happened to Izzie after she left Seattle. He was the one who asked her to leave with his well-executed 'I deserve someone who will stay' speech while wanting her to be happy at the same time, and he didn't even give her a chance to stay. He hurled her into the wild when she was still recovering from cancer and he simply quashed her from his life and tried to forget about her. Not to mention the way he treated her when she first came back to Seattle. Alex wanted to compensate it for Izzie. He knew how to help and he was willing to give everything he had the moment Izzie allowed him to.

But how him and Izzie were going to take down the walls and become friends, Alex had no idea and it troubled him. There didn't seem to be any possible way since Izzie kept shutting him out every time he tried to reach out. Alex sighed out despairingly, hopeless with the situation.

* * *

"Told you we'd find him here," Cristina told Meredith as they approached Alex who was standing by the finger food table, savoring on the chips while he was filling a plate.

"So, what do you think of my new place?" Cristina asked Alex and he let his glance take a full view of the place surrounding him. Alex couldn't deny Cristina's new apartment was remarkable. A large leather couch sat in the middle of the lounge room, facing a large wall mounted LCD TV and underneath it a fireplace. Everyone was blown away at the how big and fancy the new apartment Cristina and Owen moved in to knowing how little Cristina cared about housekeeping. Alex chewed a couple of times before he spoke.

"Whatever, you're finally out of my house," Alex said through a half full mouth and Cristina let out a laugh.

"You're jealous!" Cristina exclaimed, pumping her hand and pointing at Alex.

"I'm the lucky one actually, I won't have to listen to you having sex anymore," Cristina said distastefully. Alex gave her a stern look and Meredith laughed. Alex swung his glance swiftly around the house before bringing it back to his friends.

"Izzie's not coming?" Alex asked casually and Meredith shook her head.

"She's with Jake," Cristina informed and Alex's face remained the same.

"Her boyfriend," Meredith cleared as she realized Alex didn't know the guy's name.

"I tried to get her come but she said she was going out with Jake," Meredith said disappointedly and Alex swallowed at the new information.

"You just want her to help you with the kids," Cristina traduced and Meredith shook her head dramatically.

"No," Meredith denied, looking away and furrowing her eyebrows and Cristina gave her a 'Come on' look.

"Fine, yes. Zola and Bailey keep crying and asking for her. She used to help me a lot with the house and she's just _great_ with kids, they got used to her really fast. I don't know how to get them understand that she can't be around like before now," Meredith complained wearily and Cristina brought her hand up and started patting on her friend's shoulder before they both turned as they heard Owen calling Cristina's name and they both excused Alex and walked away. Alex shrugged and picked the plate he had filled with food and went to share it with Jo.

* * *

Alex had been thinking about it all day long. He was a little afraid to ask but he was eager to find out what Jo had in mind about it. After sleeping together and as they laid down on bed next to each other, Alex looked Jo directly in the eyes and excitedly blurted out,

"Let's have a baby!"

That sentence alone had Jo's eyes shot up wide and her mouth fall open.

"Let's have a baby?" Jo repeated his exact words quizzically, just in case she didn't hear him correctly.

"Yeah. I think it's about time for us….I mean, look at everyone at work, they all have kids," Alex answered with a small, hopeful smile, Jo still hadn't showed any rejection, only an expected surprised face and he was hopeful. But his smile quickly faded away as soon as he heard Jo let out a laugh.

"Are you serious? Do I need to mention that they're all attendings?"

"So what? I'm an attending too," Alex swiftly replayed and that was when Jo propped up on her elbows and started explaining.

"Yeah, but I'm not, Alex! I'm still an intern with a bright future ahead of me to become a brilliant surgeon like you. And you know very well that that would _never_ happen if I decided to have a baby now. You how much sacrifice and commitment having kids is, and I'm not ready to give up on my career for kids, not for now," Jo reasoned and Alex understood her point, but was willing to argue.

"I get your point, Jo. But we can make it happen, with the help of both of us, we can make it possible," Alex enthused, sounding more eager than ever.

"No way on earth I can concentrate on being a groundbreaking surgeon if I had kids during my intern's year. You know tha-" Jo trailed off as she realized that she was shutting Alex's offer out completely.

"But that doesn't mean I don't want to have kids. Actually," Jo paused to form a smile on her face.

"I would _love_ to have your kids, Alex. Just not now. Not before at least two years from now. Okay. Can we get some sleep now? "

Not waiting for an answer, Jo exhaled and turned over, taking Alex's arm with her and placing it over her waist, ignoring the utterly speechless Alex. Closing her eyes and drifting off, It didn't take Jo long to fall asleep after a long day. Alex on the other hand, was awake and deep into thought, shocked at how Jo shut down the idea that he was unusually excited about and subordinated it with a restrictive clause.

As the silence and the darkness made it easier for Alex to drown deep into his thoughts, Alex realized that Jo was the first woman he had opened up the topic about kids with. He had been with so many women and been in a few relationships in his life, but he never considered having kids with any of them, not once. The thought had never even crossed his mind and seemed faraway. Alex has always had a tendency to build walls around himself when it came to relationships and had a hard time perusing them. Alex never felt like he had reached that stage in life where he had finally found the one, settled down for good, wanted to tie the knot, have kids, grow a family and live the rest of his life with any of them.

**_ Except Izzie._**

Izzie who was now nothing but some tender memory in that rough heart of his, for the comrade he had lost. After they were perfectly compatible once, when they thought they could face anything as long as they had each other and they truly believed in _forever_, their life was thrown into utter havoc and their relationship was executed. They were callously and heartlessly casted aside and their story didn't even have a nice tail end to it. With cumulative anger and bitterness, they became strangers who couldn't feel comfortable around each other, who couldn't look at each other without feeling nerves and tautness ruling their system. Always shrouded and keeping a comfortable distance. It was such a shame, a lost opportunity of a happily ever after, a wasted time and dissipated dream.

Alex let out a silent sigh and couldn't help but begrudge Meredith for her perfect life. A life he deserved to have and was ready to live. He wondered why would the universe bring two people so close together to only rip them apart, but he didn't seem to find an answer. Alex closed his eyes and imagined a life where Izzie never left, they probably would have had kids padding on the wooden floor of his house by now. But, this was only his mindless imagination. A damned, unattainable dream he has always had.

...

You came back to find I was gone

And that place is empty

Like the hole that was left in me

Like we were nothing at all

It's not what you meant to me

I thought we were_ Meant To Be_

* * *

**A\N: Jen, don't worry it's fine, I don't mind it. Thank you for your reviews I appreciate them. I wish you had an account though so I could thank you personally. **

**Honestly, I am not sure if I am going to continue writing the story since not many people are interested.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing :) **


	8. Chapter 8 Before The Worst (1)

Izzie was one of those people who had empathy for someone other than themselves. She showed compassion for her patients which resulted in profound trust and reliability towards her. Throughout her experience, Izzie was used to dealing with emotive mothers who got over-protective of their babies. It was essentially instinctive and Izzie never had a problem with it. Until today.

After delivering a baby who was suffering from hypoxia which made it difficult for it to breathe. The baby had to go through a procedure in which a Ped's surgeon hooked it up to some special kind of apparatus that would oxygenate her blood. The doctor explained to the mother how the bypass worked and told her that the baby had to be monitored 24/7.

When the frantic mother asked Izzie to stay with her baby since she couldn't, Izzie tried to nicely refuse. She tried to convince her that staying with the baby won't help because she wasn't a Peds surgeon, but the mother's crying and pleading paid off and there was Izzie, sitting in a small NICU room that had two chairs positioned next to each other, facing an incubator which contained an ailing baby who could barely be seen through the ventilator machines that were hooked to his tiny body.

Strained silence, that was how anybody could describe it if they caught a glimpse of the room. Only the whoosh and bleeping of the machines contaminated the silence. It was too quiet that the sound of the air conditioners could be heard. Izzie sat there, legs and arms crossed across her body that was warmer than usual. She could feel her heart pounding on the walls of her chest on her folded arms. While Alex's legs were wrapped firmly around each other. His body was extremely tense and was twiddling his thumbs and coughing every few minutes. They both felt constrained by the presence of each other as they watched the baby's incubator in silence, feeling the tension grow with every second the clock ticked.

Izzie sat there and found it incredibly hard to breath. They both had moved on with their lives and nothing bounded them together anymore. Moreover, things hadn't been quite well between them and they've been avoiding each other at best. It was as though they were thrown into a state of disorganization or incoherence and then had to spend the day in one room. Izzie wondered if this day could get any worse as she glanced over at the clock. Boy! time was surly moving slowly.

Squirming in the stiff chair, Izzie tried to occupy her thoughts with something else as she slowly wiped her sweaty palms across the NICU gown she was wearing. Izzie couldn't help but dart her gaze off furtively to the pictures of cartoon animals and cute babies that were hanged over the soft painted walls. The name plaque on the doors, the stuffed animals on the counters of the nurse's station, and the overall fluffy environment. Izzie felt delicacy every time she walked through the Peds ward.

Izzie glanced stealthily at Alex who had been standing by the incubator and scribbling numbers from the monitors and she somewhat envied him for having to work here everyday. Unexpectedly, Alex glanced furtively at Izzie as well and their gaze met before she quickly turned away and cursed under her breath, rattled that he caught her gaze. Izzie contemplated standing up and walking out of the room. She could lie and tell the mother that she spent the day with her baby and she would believe her. But Izzie knew she was going to start feeling guilty the second she stepped out of the room. Izzie sighed quietly, it was going to be a long, long day.

Walking back to his chair, Alex couldn't help but think it was unfair of him to make her feel uncomfortable in what essentially was the place she worked at everyday. He wanted to break the ice between them and _this_ was it. This was the chance he'd been waiting for. Their relative privacy meant he could finally discuss what he'd been obsessing about for weeks. Alex hated that he hadn't heard a direct word from Izzie after she left. She had told him how her life was like in general, but he wanted to know if it had affected her, if those years had changed her like they had changed him…..Or maybe he just wanted to talk to her. Whatever the reason was, Alex wasn't going to let the night slip through his fingers when he could use it to his benefit.

Alex took in a breath and started to brainstorm for something to begin with, his thinking seemed to dull due to the anxiousness and his brain went blank instead. Alex felt the urge to groan out but he stifled it. Anywise, Alex knew he had to exert himself and dismantle the nerves first in order to be able to talk. Now, that was something he wasn't sure how to get rid of. Alex let out a quiet, hopeless sigh as he continued watching the baby.

"Honesty hour!"

Alex suddenly blurted out and his face lit up, as if he had found the cure for cancer or something. Apparently, he was so desperate he said the first thought that popped up in his head. Izzie furrowed her eyebrows but didn't turn to him. This was basically the first time he had talked since they walked into the room and she wasn't sure if he was talking to her.

"It's a…...Game." _Why not_, Alex thought. "I tell you something you didn't know about and you do the same and you gotta be honest. That's it," Alex elaborated as he lifted his glare towards Izzie, she could hear the mettle in his voice which made her swing her gaze to him. He watched as surprise crept over her face; she wasn't expecting this.

"I-I just figured since we'll be sitting here doing nothing all day," Alex justified, avoiding to look at her. Izzie watched as his shoulders came up and dropped back down but she didn't say anything. He peered over his shoulder at her but she had already turned her face. What to say? Not everything, of course. Alex doubted she'd like it and he almost abolished the idea before he heard a simple "Okay." Her voice sounded flat, or maybe he couldn't tell because it was one short word. Regardless, Alex sucked in a breath before he began with the game. He was determined to invest in the day.

"Do you remember… Uhh," Alex stuttered; he hadn't thought of what he was going to say. "Our wedding vow?" Whoa! He didn't mean to say that. It must have been the sudden honesty rush he had. Alex belatedly realized that the question was inappropriate. What if she had forgotten about it. It'd been over five years, she must have definitely forgotten. Alex mentally slapped himself and kept waiting for her response, nonetheless.

A look of wonder was evident on Izzie's face; she was not sure what this had to do with anything. She didn't feel comfortable talking about their wedding after everything that had happened. Izzie glanced at Alex briefly as he waited in bated breath for her answer and decided to put his anxiety to an end by nodding her head. Alex quietly let out the breath he held out in his lungs before he continued.

"It was my patient's graduation speech, they got in a bus accident. She was a valedictorian," Alex clarified, the restrain and uncertainty clear in his voice. "I asked her to say it before I took her to surgery and I ended up using it at the wedding. I added changes so it suited a vow, of course, but yeah."

Alex tried to explain as best as he could while silently praying it wouldn't play out so awkwardly. He couldn't help but feel a sense of trepidation at her reaction to his valiant confession. When he looked at Izzie, there was a small grimace on her face and her gaze was fixed away blankly, processing his words. She slowly brought her gaze back to him and finally he was going to know what she thought.

"That- That's wrong," Izzie uttered, the frown hadn't left her face, before she tore her gaze off of him and resumed watching the baby.

_Crap! I screwed up everything._

Alex swallowed and felt his face tense as he slowly turned it, knowing he had made the atmosphere even more taut. He didn't only screw up his chance and ruined the day, but also lost whatever respect Izzie still held for him. Alex should have known that no matter how valuable the memories were, now they were broken like a mirror, still covered in dust, covered in horror. _Honesty my ass_, Alex thought. Sometimes being honest did more harm than good, that is why people tend to hide the truth; it's not always safe to tell. Alex wished he just kept his mouth shut.

Izzie started pondering as she stared silently at the baby's incubator. So Alex wanted to play a game, Hmm. But what was his real motive behind it? Thinking of his revelation, Izzie felt a tug on her heart as every word of Alex's vow flooded through her memory, causing her to recall their wedding day. It was a perfect day.

Izzie felt her mouth slowly turn upwards before a warm, timbre filled chuckle erupted at his audacity. Izzie tried to stifle it but instead started giggling. The unfamiliar giggle was apparently here to stay as she covered her mouth to muffle its sound, causing the mood to dip into the bearable. Finally, an honest laugh escaped her sculpted lips that was only received with a bewildered look by Alex who couldn't believe what he was hearing. She was a deadpan it took him a while to realize that she was laughing.

"You're… So…Original, Alex," Izzie managed in between bursts of giggle and snorting before she started guffawing at the statement, letting a series of laughs escape her lips.

Alex merely breathed out and felt his face relax; the sound of her laughter felt like winning a prize. He smirked with amusement as he watched her laugh genuinely which only made his heart swell because her laughter always sounded melodic to him. Alex had missed her hysterical laughter in inappropriate situations and he chuckled, feeling as if his own weight was non-existent as he cracked up. Both their laughter were filtered with regret at the awkwardness, because though it kept them employed, they were actually disclosing a dear, old memory. After a moment, they gradually stopped, but their glee didn't.

"Why didn't you tell me, then?" Izzie asked, curiously. Alex was a little surprised at her question but had to be honest.

"It wouldn't be as romantic, would it?" Alex said with a half smirk and Izzie didn't answer, but grinned, feeling a fluttery sensation in her stomach. The NICU pink gown emphasized the pinkish color that appeared on her cheeks. She looked satisfied with his answer.

"Okay, your turn," Alex announced before Izzie cloud turn her face. It was almost a dare, but Alex couldn't hold back. He needed her to talk.

"Hmm, let's see," Izzie muttered to herself before she bit her bottom lip and shifted her gaze away, she looked to be thinking. It took her a moment to find a question.

"Oh, remember the cake you baked for my 29th birthday?" Izzie asked, yet it sounded more of a remark than a question, like she was sure he still remembered. When Izzie released her lip, the color was mesmerizing. It was the shade of dark yet vibrant red that looked matte with her flawless skin tone. Alex moved his gaze away, he didn't want to think of Izzie that way; they were now just friends and nothing more.

"Sure, it was the only time I baked," Alex replied, adding a little further.

"Yeah," Izzie said slowly before she pressed her lips in a fine line. Her face looked guilty for what she was going to say.

"It tasted like crap," Izzie simply revealed as she wrinkled her nose. Alex ignored how cute her face looked and suppressed the thought. Izzie saw the surprise take Alex's face and chuckled loudly at her light insult. It was something inane to talk about, but a good start, nonetheless.

"But you told me it was good!" Alex gawked at her and the snicker erupted from her again. She giggled to herself under Alex's watchful eye.

"You made it for me, Alex. What was I supposed to say? I didn't wanna make you feel bad," Izzie said with an apologetic smile that had Alex not only forget her offense but also almost forget his name.

"And I thought I could bake. My whole life has been a lie," Alex said jokingly while shaking his head. His words and his face making Izzie break into laughter. It seemed as though she had been waiting for a reason to laugh. Alex let a chuckle escape his mouth at the sight of her. She looked happy and he felt fortuitous.

Before their silly banter could blossom, a nurse walked into the room, asking Alex to sign off on a couple of charts. Izzie watched as the nurse thanked him quickly before she hastily walked out, leaving the two alone again. For some reason, it felt like they had just gotten into the room and there was a moment of eerie silence as the two kept quiet for a moment, but thankfully it was short lived.

"Um," Izzie started. "I think it's your turn, right?" Izzie asked unsurely before she bit on her lip and peered sheepishly at him. When Alex turned to her, he watched as a soft, bashful smile developed on her face and this time the blush to her cheek was welcomed. Alex mirrored her, except his grin made Izzie suspicious. Alex felt accomplished; she liked the game.

And just like that, the game went on smoothly. They continued with their romp as they tripped down the memory lane, not feeling the hours as they lightly passed by. They both felt at ease, no awkwardness existed anymore. It was like the old days, except better. Because then, being troubled interns, then busy residents trying to proving themselves, along with Izzie's cancer and everything which resulted in them getting lost at communication. But now, they just sat and talked, even revealed things the other didn't know about. It was like they were bonding all over again. Except, the bond was already there.

As the day went through, they talked furiously about a lot of things. Alex told her how her turned down his Hopkins's offer so he could stay with Arizona after she lost her leg, and even though Izzie slated him for blowing off such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, she was actually impressed by his loyalty. He narrated about the weirdest cases GSMH had treated during her absence. Even when Alex walked over to the baby's incubator to take his vitals, Izzie still talked and he listened, seizing every second of their time together. Alex asked her about residency after she left, how her boards exam was like and why she particularly chose gynecology, and she said it was by dint of her attending, just like him with Arizona. It was the first time they talked without real, big questions hanging over them. They both put every unpleasant thing, either from past or present, aside so they could enjoy the moment. They found the same things funny, which made it easier to connect on this lighter level.

They got so comfortable around each other that their arms were no longer restrained yet animated and moving in synchronization with what was being said and their eye contact was relaxed and prolonged. Alex's head was directed solely towards Izzie while she turned her entire posture towards him, tucking one leg underneath, her arm bent and propped up on the chair's back, leaning for dependence and giving him all her attention. Her head was slightly tilted to the side, leaning against her fist as she carefully listened with sparkle in her eyes to Alex telling how he harvested stem cells from a nine year old girl's rib, incubated them into a lab dish and fed them every single day with a special growth solution until it was ready to be inserted into the little girl's abdomen, giving her a new trachea. He was talking fluently with complicated medical terminology which Jake would never understand; the main reason Izzie avoided talking about her job with him. Their knees contacted but they didn't mind it as they were totally engrossed in the medical chatter.

Izzie couldn't remember the last time she felt this way. Alex had a way of making her laugh and feel carefree. And for some odd reason, Izzie felt the little part of her heart that was missing finally found. After counting the minutes, they wished time would freeze as Alex and Izzie bumped shoulders and laughed hysterically at what one could assume was an inside joke, not open to the outsiders.

A phone ringing interjected their fairly lighthearted chatter. Pausing so Izzie could answer her phone, she maneuvered to her pocket and pulled it out. Sliding to answer, Izzie was greeted immediately.

"Hello." His voice was always sweet sounding and she smiled.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Izzie asked, darting her eyes between Alex and the wall behind him.

"I'm better now that I'm talking to you," Jake replied with his ringing accent.

"That's very nice to hear," Izzie said coyly.

"When do you want me to pick you up, you know we've got some big plans for tonight," Jake asked, his tone sounded naughty and Izzie felt instantly alarmed.

"Oh, I…. Actually," Izzie hesitated. "Have a little emergency and won't be able to make it tonight. I'm sorry," Izzie lied, but tried to sound as convincing as possible.

"Liar," Alex mouthed silently and Izzie opened her eyes wider.

"Shut up," Izzie hushed out as she shoved his shoulder and Alex sniggered wickedly. Alex looked at her with an intent glance and the corner of his mouth turned upwards, forming a half smile and Izzie rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smile that slit her lips.

"I'm-I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Izzie asked Jake as she shifted her wight in the chair away from Alex. It scattered her thoughts when he looked at her like that and she needed him out of her peripheral vision.

"You can't make it tonight, I understand. Thank you for letting me know so early," Jake said, he sounded a little sad as he responded.

"Again, Jake. I'm really sorry for this, but I promise to make it up to you next time. Maybe tomorrow night?" Izzie said in a silky, seductive tone, surprising herself with her flirting abilities, and not to mention a gust of confidence she didn't know she had when talking to Jake. Finishing the phone call with Jake, Izzie sighed out and shook her head as she returned her phone in her pocket. She couldn't go anywhere, she didn't want to. She had to admit, it was nice having Alex talking to her and she couldn't miss the opportunity, if she had to be completely honest with herself.

"Is it your turn or my turn?" Izzie asked as she turned to Alex. "The phone call distracted me," she said with a smile, eager to carry through the night.

Izzie was confused when she found that Alex had turned his face to the opposite direction, inclining away hence she couldn't see his face. He didn't answer, completely ignoring her. Instantaneously, her smile faltered then faded as the clenched fists that rested on his thighs caught her eye. The sound of his loud breathing comminuted with the bleeping of the machines. His ears were red and the movement of his chest was visible, like he was using all his strength not to explode. Izzie furrowed her eyebrows as she tried to form some sort of understanding to his change in mood.

Izzie felt something unpleasant roll in her stomach. His silence and apparently bad mood intimidated her. But she couldn't help but think logically, Alex couldn't bear listening to her promise her boyfriend an intimate night. But it was something she needed, something she was missing. Something Alex refused to give her and gave her no chance but to seek from someone else. Izzie remembered what was Alex response when she offered they get back together. He faulted her for the failure of their marriage, like he didn't have a hand in that too. He told her that she callously broke his heart. He had made it clear she was no good to him, why did he get hot under the collar now?

Izzie shook her head and tried to come up with something to say, but couldn't come up with anything. What was she supposed to say? 'I'm sorry I just promised to make love to my boyfriend and you had to hear it?' She wasn't even sure what to feel? Should she be mad at him or empathy him?

Izzie sighed. Knowing Alex for so long, she knew how hotheaded he was, and the best way when he was angry was to leave him until his anger subsided, in order not to make it worse. But she couldn't leave him like this, so she took in a deep breath and decided to…...

"When I got shot and almost bled to death in an elevator, I was asking for _you_," Alex snapped, all his pent up emotions spilling out. His jaw was jutting, his eyebrows were lowered and pulled together forming wrinkles on his forehead and Izzie flinched, her eyes dilated at his sudden outburst.

"I asked you to never leave me again. But you weren't there. Because you _left_," Alex fumed through gritted teeth and that was when fear and panic controlled Izzie's body. He was holding back and she feared the worst. The tension between them was laid on thick as the anxiety filled the confined space. Izzie felt her lips start to quiver as she saw him turn to her again.

"Since it's honesty hour, I just thought you should know," Alex hissed, not giving her a chance to say anything as he instantly turned away.

...

It's been a while since the two of us talked

About a week since the day that you walked

Knowing things would never be the same

With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me, how it came to this

_Before the worst_, before we met

Let's try to take it back before it all went wrong

* * *

**A\N: I decided to continue with the story for now, thanks to your reviews, nice words and encouragement. You have no idea how every single word motivates me to keep writing. So thank you very much, I really do appreciate it.**

**I know the progress is super slow and I apologize for that, but I want it to feel as real as possible. Thank you for your patience.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing :)**


End file.
